Slightly Closer to Ukraine


I have had a few donors contribute towards my mission so my goal is a little bit closer.  Thank you so much for your support!!!!!  I truly hope to return to UA before the end of the month.  This is long past the original return date of June 30, but some things cannot be avoided.  Thank you again for your support!!!!

PS:  the photo is just a selfie but was taken just a few months ago.  It is a 15 minute makeup job so please excuse the lack of perfection!!!

Add a comment October 3, 2016

Still Alive!


This is just a selfie but it is new!  I took this earlier this week.  I have scheduled a photo shoot for next week so look forward to some new images at last!!!

Add a comment September 28, 2016

Birthday Week!


It’s my birthday week!  Yaaaay!!!  Okay, so I am a year older but also Japanese…and we don’t age quickly – super-happy about that!  Things are moving quickly with the “Nikki and Indi Show” which is a reincarnation of the original “Up Late with Nikki Tanikawa” (photo).  We…with hope…should have our first episode up by Halloween, and plan on doing a new episode every month.  I’ll keep you posted!!!

1 comment September 27, 2016

Time to Go – Win a Date!

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Next  week I want to be back in Ukraine to deliver a special piece of medical equipment which will save many lives.  I have this unit in my possession and now must simply acquire the funds to buy a ticket.  Will you help me reach my goal of $1500?  It is less than the original amount as it isn’t peak travel season, but it is the absolute smallest amount I need to make the mission possible.  My offer for a night out is still valid so contact me if you are interested!  Otherwise, my Paypal account is

Add a comment September 20, 2016

Sponsor the “Nikki and Indi Show”

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Help Indi and I make our show successful by sponsoring an episode!  We plan to shoot an entire season by Christmas – roughly 12 episodes all together.  So, if you have a product or business you’d like to promote, contact us!  Whether it is canned fruit or sex toys we’ll do our best to increase your sales!!!!  Write me directly at:

Add a comment August 23, 2016

Camera and Sound Crew Needed


The “Nikki and Indi Show” needs a reliable, talented camera/sound people.  Though we already have great staff we need a professional crew who have access to equipment and can be available at any time to film our forays into the wonderful world of sex, etc.  If you are interested please contact us directly at  Until we start making money these positions will be voluntary.

Add a comment August 23, 2016

Still Looking for Support for my Mission


Help me Help the Children

Despite the fact that I have received several donations I am still well short of my $2200 goal.  This is an absolute figure – anything less and I cannot deliver the medical equipment needed by the children’s hospital.  Remember – my offer of a real date is very sincere.  Protecting the children of the world is my most important endeavor and I will not stop trying until my goal is reached.  I thank you in advance for your help!!!

PS:  Your donation is tax-deductible.  Additionally, airline miles are perfectly acceptable!


Add a comment August 23, 2016

The Nikki Show is Definitely Back!

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“Up Late with Nikki Tanikawa” is definitely coming back!  Joining me will be the amazingly beautiful Indi, who will be my co-host.  The new show will be called “The Nikki and Indi Show” and will continue following the same path as the original program…except better.  Each episode will be roughly 15 minutes long and will feature forays into the wonderful work of sex and other topics of interest.  We hope to start shooting this Fall.  I’ll keep you posted on our progress!!!

Add a comment August 23, 2016

Do You Have an Extra Car, by Chance?

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In pursuing my goal of making the world better…in this particular case arranging surgery for a child with a life-threatening spinal condition…I have driven my poor car into the ground.  I cannot do my good deeds without a vehicle and am digging myself into a financial grave with rental fees.  If you have a spare car which you would not mind loaning out for an indefinite period of time I will gladly spend a great deal of time with you so you can get to know my wacky, exciting world.  Plus, you have the knowledge that I will be doing good because of your help.  Contact me directly if you can assist:

PS:  Do you recognize this photo?  It was for the first advertisement of my show, “Up Late with Nikki Tanikawa”!  A show which, by the way, I am bringing back!!!!


Add a comment August 7, 2016

Help Me Help the Children of Ukraine

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Pretending to cook!

As you know I am very much involved in protecting the people…especially the mentally ill and children.  Many times I have gone into the war zones of Ukraine to help with evacuation, teach on matters regarding explosive dangers, and…most recently…deliver life-saving medical equipment to hospitals near or inside hostile territory.

I have offered a date with anyone who can provide the funds I need in order to make an emergency trip to deliver a device to a children’s hospital which will undoubtedly save lives.  This must happen and it must happen soon.  Your support means the world to me and especially to those in need, for their lives depend on it.

I ask again if anyone will be generous enough to ensure the success of my mission.  The total needed is $2200 – 1200 for the ticket and 1000 for in-country expenses.  Airline points are perfectly acceptable.

I am revealing a lot about myself in these posts, but I trust that the value of my endeavors are important enough to ensure that you keep my charity safe by not mentioning who I am to anyone.  Many of my supporters would not understand my lifestyle and as such may stop assisting.  But I accept this possibility in order to do what must be done.  Thank you for always being so supportive and I love you all!!!

Add a comment August 7, 2016

Still Waiting for My Date!

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I am still waiting for a donor to fund my emergency mission to Ukraine in order to deliver a life-saving piece of equipment to a hospital in need.  The total is 2200.  I understand that this may be an expensive date but you will be saving lives, and that means a lot more than just a night out with me.  I am willing to split the cost between the airline ticket (1200) and in-country expenses (1000).  This way the financial burden will be evenly divided between two people.  I hope this helps.  Contact me at to discuss moving forward with this fun and important endeavor!!!

Add a comment July 20, 2016

Win a Date with Nikki!

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I need $2,200 to personally deliver a life-saving piece of medical equipment to a children’s hospital overseas in the next few weeks.  If you are willing to support my mission then I will go out with you on an honest-to-goodness date for the night!  Saving lives is my most important endeavor and this device will protect many children from suffering and death, so you know that your funding will be used for a very good cause!  Contact me directly at

PS:  Only the date winner will get the full details of the mission and expenditures.


Add a comment July 12, 2016

The Return of “Up Late with Nikki Tanikawa”?


As you may recall, I had a little internet show called “Up Late with Nikki Tanikawa” which had one episode under its belt before my ex befell her illness.  Many of you have encouraged me to bring it back and I am seriously considering this as a possibility.  I’ll want the new episodes to focus on interesting people and places in North Carolina and Virginia, but the entire world is open to exploration!  And yes, the topics will mostly be about sex.  I will need a new production team and camera crew so let me know if you are interested in joining us.  I’ll keep you posted on developments!


Add a comment July 11, 2016

Back to Ukraine!

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First, my promise of new photos has not been forgotten so hang in there.  It has been a busy summer with all of my charity work and domination sessions but I will definitely find the time to take a few professional shots.

Second, my 4th mission to Ukraine is being prepared so I will keep you posted.  I was supposed to be in-country by now but a patient for whom I arranged surgery is arriving shortly and that obviously takes precedence.  So, the new departure date for my mission will be sometime in the fall.  The objective is to continue teaching children about landmines as well as to provide medical aid to people in combat areas.

If you wish to support my work you are welcome to do so via Paypal (, but of critical importance is to spread the word about the severity of the conflict and that the people of Ukraine need our help.  No one remembers that there is a war in Europe because our media likes to corral our attention.  People are dying by the hundreds and thousands, and you can speak for them by sharing photos and videos (of which there are plenty).  Or…if you wish…you can join me on the front line, brave the bullets, and tell the story of the people through your own interviews.







Add a comment June 7, 2016

Photo Shoot Scheduled!


As I promised, if you helped support my missions to protect the children of Ukraine I would start taking new photos as a show of appreciation.  Many of you have done precisely this so I am now booked for my first photo shoot since 2012!  Thank you for always being such loyal and caring fans!!!




1 comment May 14, 2016

I Am Back and Need Your Help!

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Actually, I have been back for a while but have been super-busy getting caught up with bills and making good on promises to care for sick children I met.

It was a very exciting, dangerous, and soul affirming mission. Many lives are protected due to my work and many children whom would have gone without notice are now being looked at as potential aid recipients. It was totally worth the time and effort.

In regard to needs which must be met, I ask of you,my wonderful fans, if any of you have a hearing amplifier – a good one – you can donate. For this you will have earned a date with me!!!

I also am in great need of equipment which will aid in the growth and physical well-being of many children with cerebral palsy. I am willing to take any good-quality piece worth shipping.

Finally, I am preparing for another mission in June to deliver any donations you give. Financial donations will be gladly accepted as I will need it for airline tickets, living expenses, etc.

If the response is good then I will set aside time for a new photo shoot before I go! I have a new photographer – you have seen some of her work – and I will finally give you something pretty at which to look. Deal?

A date with me…just to be clear…will be a nice, stress-free dinner at my tiny little home. It isn’t the greatest of date options but my time is limited. At least you get to meet me!!!!

About the above photo: I remember when this was taken by my old photographer, Tom. It is apt as he died a few years ago – killed by a drunk driver. This was at his old home. I miss him every day.

For donation questions contact me at:


Add a comment April 23, 2016

A Million Memories

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I began this journey a long time ago (thank goodness I don’t age). The message I had from the beginning is to always be willing to challenge boundaries, live free, explore as much as possible, and be yourself. I am a firm believer that life is WAY too short to spend it doing a lot of boring, meaningless activities – LIVE and LIVE BIG. Tomorrow may come at any moment so don’t leave yourself any room to look back and ask, “what if?”

Next week may very well be my last on earth. Sad, but quite possible. I am going into a combat area to help children, which a noble mission. If I meet my end I know I am okay because I am doing the right and good thing, as well as the fact that I have left virtually no stone left unturned. Maybe you can’t go as far as I have, but at least play a little and enjoy your time while you are able. Seriously – why not?

Finally, it is very important to reiterate my message that it doesn’t matter what you do for a living – as long as you are making the world a better place you are doing good. Do everything you can to help each other and remember to smile and hug a LOT – that one smile you give may save someone who has given up. And protect those with mental disabilities – they need your acceptance and love, not special treatment!

I love you all and believe in each and every one of you. See you soon with some new photos!!!

Add a comment February 19, 2016

Hi Everyone!!!

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I am back (and yes, this is an old photo – maybe 3 years ago – but it is one of my favorites)!  Interesting thing – once I stopped taking my anti-depressants I stopped being depressed!  Go figure.

Well, my hello is a short one as I am leaving for Ukraine next week to teach children about landmines as well as do some minor medical work.  I will be back, I promise!  If you wish to support my mission just write me and I will tell you how to forward funds.  No matter what you will be helping save lives – theirs and/or mine!

Since I am mo longer depressed I am finally getting back into modeling!  I will absolutely take and new photos when I return.  In the meantime please stay well and see you soon!!!

Nikki Tanikawa


1 comment February 17, 2016

Off to Ukraine!



I will be in Ukraine within the next few days so keep me in your prayers and good thoughts. I will be working with orphaned children deep inside hostile territory so this will not be a safe mission.

I believe that it does not matter what you do for a living as long as you do good in in the world. Also, whatever wrongdoings can be undone by a righteous act. Live good lives, everyone, and love each other.

If you wish to donate to my charity it will be very happily accepted as there is a lot for me to do (tax-deductible so ask for our DLN number if you contribute).  Also, it will be nice to have funds to get me out of trouble over there!  Paypal:

Add a comment May 27, 2015

Mission to Ukraine


I will soon be departing for Ukraine to help provide humanitarian aid to the people. It must be made clear that I take no sides and will assist Russians and Ukrainians alike. This is what I do to help make the world a better place.

Remember that I love you all and hope that through my example all of you will be inspired to make a difference. Whether it be for better mental health care, safety from skin cancer, or providing aid to the people…ANY people…DO YOUR THING. Don’t just stand by and watch – get involved and be a part of the good side. We desperately need you!!!

The above photo is a tad bit inappropriate for my mission as they don’t really like us there, but I am a representative of the people of the United States and as such bear the flag with pride (though in truth I am representing my home state of North Carolina). This picture, as is the case with most of my photos, was taken by my dead friend, Tom. It is a fitting tribute.

Add a comment May 15, 2015

Looking for Exciting New Photographers in Raleigh, NC

Old 5 3396I have been out of modeling for quite some time and am getting tired of recycling my photos.  I look exactly the same but wish to prove it by taking new pics, so I am seeking an awesome photographer whom is willing to put up with my odd but efficient modeling methodology.  My regular photographer died, sadly, hence the need for someone new.  If you wish to be considered please let me know and we’ll talk!

Add a comment May 7, 2015

Back in Business


In order to properly fund my missions to Ukraine and other humanitarian endeavors – including my fight for better mental health care for all – I have re-engaged in my old extracurricular activity, domination!  I used to love experimenting new techniques on my submissives and had the best of time meeting new people.  Combined with helping the less fortunate I think I am well on my way to being a happier and more productive person.  If you are interested in experiencing a domination session with me please email me at  Remember – it doesn’t matter what you do for a living as long as you make the world a better place.

Add a comment May 6, 2015

Ukraine Planning

As you know I am going to be heading to Ukraine for a humanitarian mission this month. I am delaying it until the end of the month or the beginning of May. If you wish to donate diapers, basic medical supplies, or money (which I will use for trip funds) please contact me at I wish you all a wonderful Easter holiday!!!

PS: The photo is a classic from my book!

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Add a comment April 4, 2015

A New Direction

Hi everyone!!!  As you know, I am still recovering from a very traumatic loss – it is taking much longer than I had hoped.  If I spend a moment in silence I realize that the heartbreak is still debilitating.  That being said, I am using this “downtime” to accomplish some very important humanitarian activities in hopes of making the world a better place.  This is beyond my crusade to improve the mental health system for all who suffer from mental disorders.

I am getting ready to travel to Ukraine for the second time in order to illuminate the extreme suffering of the people in the east.  I want Americans to see and understand what is happening so that they will be more encouraged to provide humanitarian aid materials.  If you have anything you wish to donate such as medical and/or hygiene supplies as well as funding for my mission please contact me at

Last but not least, I have a few new artistic photographers who will be instrumental in creating a totally different kind of image for me.  Think “Dark Beauty” – an online photo art gallery.  I’ve been spending a lot more time doing simple Nikki-esque activities so I am definitely getting back on track.  Your encouragement is appreciated!!!

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Add a comment March 23, 2015

Happy New Year!!!


I wish each and every one of you the very happiest year in 2015. May all of your dreams come true!

I took the past 2 years off from modeling and focused on matters such as mental illness awareness, suicide prevention, skin cancer awareness, and other important issues. This will not end. I believe that it is very important for those of us who have an audience to use our status to help others. I will ALWAYS care about you and the people.

I am being pushed by friends and fans to re-engage in my modeling so definitely expect new photos in 2015. Yay! No more recycled images!!!  I am hoping that by getting back in front of the camera I will be encouraging others to be yourself and proud of who you are.

I close by saying the following: No matter who you are or what you do for a living, you have the power to make the world a better place. You are important. You MATTER. So get out there and be the best “you” that you can be.  I believe in you!!!

Happy 2015!

3 comments January 3, 2015

I Survived!

It is a bit after the fact, but I had my skin cancer surgery and they successfully removed all traces.  So far as the dermatologist can tell I am clear of any remaining cancer.  Yay!  It took roughly 3 weeks to fully recover, which kind of surprised me.  I thought it would be a simple 30 minute operation like the first time, but this was a 3 hour procedure.  I was weak for at least a week with limited mobility for almost 2 weeks.

The moral of this story is to be careful both in the sun and tanning bed.  I have very tough skin and only fake baked and still got cancer, so don’t risk it and just go with the skin tone nature gave you.  Even better is to use sun screen as a good friend of mine got melanoma simply by driving around with his arm resting on the door.  Be safe!!!

PS:  the good news is that the stitches made my boobies even so I will be much happier being topless!!!

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3 comments November 17, 2014

Slowly Coming Back!

Okay, I have run into a slight complication with my return to modeling.  I have been diagnosed with skin cancer.  I place the blame entirely on myself for all of the tanning I did before shoots.  Though I am really dark, I liked the way I looked right after I got out of the tanning bed – it gave me a glow which showed up nicely on camera.

To give you the background, my doctor noticed it 2 years ago but I was so focused on getting help for my significant other that I just ignored it, and after she left I was too sad to do anything about it.  The end result is that it went from the size of a pencil eraser to the size of a dime.  My dermatologist thinks it is Basal Cell, which is a simple procedure.  However, it has every hallmark of Melanoma, and having waited so long it may have spread elsewhere.

I will be receiving the final diagnosis this Thursday, so hang in there and pray for me/send me good thoughts.  I will be okay either way.  Wow – what a oddly bumpy year it has been!

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1 comment October 14, 2014

I’m Still Alive!

Hello everyone!  I am so sorry to have vanished on you but you knew that was coming.  I had to take an extensive mental health break in order to keep functioning.  I’m sure you understand.  I spent the spring and summer doing charitable work overseas and at home, and feel much better for it.  Still horribly heartbroken and lost, but such is the way of loving and losing.  I’ve got some super-artistic photo shoots coming up, very different from my usual, and will be sharing the images both here and on my Flickr site.  I hope you like them.  Have a wonderful Labor Day weekend and see you very soon! 

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6 comments August 29, 2014

Stand by Your Mentally Ill Loved One!

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I recently found out that my s/o may be getting a job. I know that this may seem insignificant, but believe me, it is a major achievement in restoring herself back to normal life. It takes an incredible amount of courage to go through what she experienced and face the world again. If you know someone who has been diagnosed with a mental illness and is trying to get back on his/her feet, give him/or her a big hug and provide all the encouragement you can muster. I am certain it will make a huge difference in his/her day and will eventually turn those little steps into big strides. My love goes out to everyone who suffers from a mental disorder. I believe in you!!!!!!!

PS: The previous three photos are from the best shoot of my career – the pictures turned out perfectly and we all had a lot of fun. Thank you Danny and Hairy!

2 comments March 4, 2014

Pharmacological Foibles

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I have one thing to say about prescription medications: I hate them. I hate them for the following three reasons:

1) It is an inordinately profit-oriented monopoly which leaves many in need without the treatment they deserve due to economic deficiency.
2) I’ve known too many friends who have become addicted to prescription meds even though taken properly.
3) Though absolutely necessary, they sometimes do more harm than good in the treatment of a disease or condition.

Though I can go into detail about all three of my gripes, I will limit this post to just my recent experiences. When my significant other started taking medication for her schizophrenia my reaction was not annoyance, but rather befuddlement. The medication they prescribed controlled her symptoms, but changed her reactions so significantly that I had no idea how to read her emotions. This led to many complications between her and me. She was lucky in that it only took two attempts to get her medication right. My brother didn’t fare as well – it took him 10 meds and pretty much the same number of years to get his chemical “cocktail” correct.

During the 4 1/2 years that my s/o was ill I went out of my way to get to know many people of her age group and older in order to better understand her condition and what she was experiencing. Since she couldn’t expand on her predicament I had to guess, but my “helpers” did a fantastic job giving me pointers regardless of the particular disorder. The major complication was that there was no formal diagnosis until the very end, so though I had a good idea from what she suffered, I could not be sure until after the doctors were able to spend time with her. Though everyone’s experience was completely and utterly unique, the one common thread was their complaint about meds. To a person they all griped about how it changed the way they thought and behaved, so much so in many cases that they preferred the condition over the medicinal side effects!

Once my significant other left, my doctor insisted that I take anti-depressants. Though I have experience with anti-anxiety meds (which are much like drinking a half-glass of wine) I had no concept of the effect of ADs. After going through 7 – that’s right…7 – different anti-depressants in a 2 month period we finally found one which didn’t make me want to sleep all day, kill all humans, or render me comatose. Still, I find that my reactions to people and situations are significantly different. I appear to be angry but am actually just zoning. I slur my speech so I seem drunk half of the time. When I am happy, I come across as indifferent. These are basically the kind of emotional crossed signals which my s/o was giving during the first few months on her medication – no wonder why things were so confusing for us both!!!

Now that I have experienced prescription medications from the other side of the fence I have a much deeper understanding of not only what my significant other was having to suffer, but that of anyone currently taking meds with similar side effects (which seem to be most of them). As such, I can recommend the following: if you know someone who must take medication for any psychological disorder PLEASE BE PATIENT. The person you know may not act or think the way you expect, even if you have known him/her for years. They need your strength to get them through the worst part of acclimating to the his/her new chemistry, and the process may be lengthy. Give him/her all the love and encouragement you can provide as he/she will need every bit of it to get back on his/her feet. As always, feel free to write me for any advice!

3 comments March 4, 2014

Thank You!

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I wish to thank all of you for your undying support. You have helped me navigate and survive the most troubling time of my life. Your efforts are deeply appreciated and I love you all!

As you know, my significant other suffers from schizophrenia – a severely dibilitating mental disorder from which there is no recovery. Providing care for someone who has this disease is incredibly difficult and traumatic, especially pre-diagnosis. I am no stranger to mental disorders, but this one makes all of my other experiences pale by comparison. Make no mistake, schizophrenia is dangerous but it is important to stand fast – no matter what complications you may face – and get your loved one the help required in order for him/her to live a normal life. As I have said before, they need you more than you will ever know (though at times it may seem they don’t want you at all).

Since my significant other departed I have been left with a lingering depression and a great sense of loss – I never got the chance to say “goodbye.” I also suffer from anxiety which is a result of never knowing which personality I would be facing from one minute to the next.

There is good coming out of all this, however. My experiences are being used to help others and my s/o is living a much happier life, so it is not a complete loss. If you or someone you know suffers from mental disease, depression, and/or anxiety I welcome you to contact me if you need advice or someone with whom to speak. Don’t make the same mistake I did and get support early – you can’t do this alone. It is always best to reach me at my regular email address as I rarely check this one:

Remember: mental disease no different than any other illness. There is no reason to be ashamed or to treat someone differently due to a disorder. Though my s/o has schizophrenia she is still a wonderful, beautiful, loving, and kind-hearted person. She is not the disease and neither is anyone else who suffers from mental illness. People are people – some just need a little more help to make it through the day.

In closing, please help the mentally ill by supporting local initiatives and care centers. There are many clinics which operate free of charge in order to provide assistance to those in need. By helping them you will be making the world a better place and will have my sincerest appreciation!

PS: the above photo was taken by Hairy and Chaps of Powder Springs, GA.

10 comments February 26, 2014

Almost Ready to Return!

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Hi everyone! As you know, I have been suffering from depression due to extended caregiving followed by the loss of my significant other. Additionally, my dad had a heart attack last week. So far, 2014 has not been a great year.

That being said, I am slowly but surely getting out of my funk and am ready to re-engage in modeling – the good, clean, and profitable kind! I am still slated to do some clothing promos for a few companies both in NC and GA, for which I am eternally happy and grateful (thanks, guys). So keep an eye on my page – I will be back in just a bit!

Again, thank you so much for being such wonderful fans. You supported me through the worst period of my life and I owe a significant debt of gratitude to you for helping me see this through. You are all loved!

6 comments February 19, 2014

Before I Go

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Before I go, I wish to ask one final question:  why?  My significant other has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met.  She has more love to give to the world than all of us put together.  Why would someone this good…this great…be given one of the worst illnesses on the planet?  With Ebola you die…quickly.  With Alzheimer’s the victim is typically old and has had the opportunity to live a long and fruitful life.  My s/o is only 25 and her illness will only get worse.  It seems horribly unfair.  So…for my peace of mind…I ask that you ponder this while I am away, see if you can make sense of this, and leave me answers.  I’ll be back soon!

4 comments January 27, 2014

Small Break

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Hi everyone!  I know that this will come as no great surprise, but I will be taking a small break from the world as I recover from the loss of my significant other.  As you know, she suffers from a severe form of schizophrenia and over the past 5 years I have been mourning her “death” after she permanently changed both her personality and physical appearance…three times.  Finally, a little over a month ago, she left for good and will not be coming back.

I need to recharge and refocus in order to keep moving.  This is a simple matter of survival.  After 5 intense years of caregiving I am depleted of energy and only have the barest of essentials to sustain myself.  I’ve lost 7 pounds – which is a lot for me – and am in a true and deep depression.  I am not relieved that she is gone – rather, I am sad, confused, and worried.  Not a word was spoken to me when she left – she simply packed a few things and vanished.  I deserved at least a “goodbye,” I think.

So, in order to maintain that smile, mind, and body which you all love, I need to vanish myself for a little while and get back on my feet.  I will be staying at the equivalent of a monastery and will be quietly reflecting on the good and bad that I have done so that I can be the best person I can be for whatever comes next.  Remember – schizophrenia is a mental illness and my significant other did nothing wrong.  I’m not saying I deserved what I got, but rather it was a situation through which we both suffered equally and she and I need this time to recover.  I will be back, I promise.  I love you all!

4 comments January 26, 2014


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We all have our limits when it comes to coping.  As of late I have encountered difficulty with caregiving, managing stress, and dealing with the knowledge that the actions I have taken hurt my significant other.  It is hard to find good coping skills when it involves pain you have caused a loved one.  I am angry at myself for being so foolish and selfish.  You think you are doing the best you can, but hindsight always reveals that you could have done much better.  And when your battery is low – or worse, dry – it becomes very difficult to manage your thoughts and feelings.

Fortunately, there are plenty of resources to help you through difficult times.  As you know, I am a firm believer in therapy, NA, NAMI, and, most recently, anger management classes.  I will even be attending a retreat for loss and healing in the near future.  We can all do better – the trick is to recognize when you need help and seek assistance before any damage is done.  A good rule of thumb is when that little voice in the back of your head whispers that you are doing wrong, assume it is true.  I ignored my little voice, even when it was screaming, and sailed on while telling myself that staying the course and seeing things through was the only option.  Even though this is generally true (excluding glaring exceptions like Little Big Horn, Vietnam, and Soviet Afghanistan), always remember that every ship needs to deviate when there’s an iceberg ahead (Titanic).

So, do what I do and find support groups which suit your needs and go to the meetings regularly.  Listen to others’ experiences as you will gain plenty of coping skills from those who have already endured your torment.  Most importantly, learn from your mistakes so that you do not repeat them!

3 comments January 10, 2014

Time Travel

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Do you believe in time travel?  Do you think it is possible to turn the clock back and explore history?  If so, what would you do?  Where would you go?  Would you hunt dinosaurs or hang with Jesus?  Or would you visit your past self and warn yourself of the mistakes you were about to make?

Personally, I believe that everything happens for a reason, and no matter how painful the experience it is important to endure and grow from it.  Of course, we always have a choice.  We can either see things through and hold fast to the belief that everything will be okay, or we can delve into our fears and take a darker, different path.

I have made many, many mistakes both great and small.  I am happy for each and every one as collectively they brought me to the here and now.  One missed stop light or one wrong turn would have drastically altered my course.  That being said, I am pretty sure that, given the chance, I would visit my past self and warn me about the choices I would make over the past 7 years, cautioning for better judgement (my significant other deserved far better than what she got).

I’d like to hear your thoughts about this issue and what you would change.  For those of you who wish to read about non-scientific examples of supposed or claimed time travel please check out the following link:

4 comments January 3, 2014

The Other Side of Mental Illness

Nikki 1

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few years talking about how difficult it has been for me to endure my significant other’s mental illness.  Little has been said about how much she has suffered.

First, I am not an angel.  I got irritable.  I got rude.  I got angry.  I was scared and confused.  There is no playbook for how to deal with a loved one’s descent into psychosis.  No matter how much support you may have, how many books you read, or doctors with whom you talk, you and your significant other are in it alone both as a couple as well as individuals.  No one else will ever truly understand what you are going through or how to help.

Second, my girlfriend was more alone and confused than I could ever imagine.  Even though I was there for her and trying to help, she was suffering her illness all by herself.  She was terrified.  Additionally, there is the social stigma that goes along with having a mental disorder.  Though I made sure that people understood what was happening, it does not prevent her from feeling embarrassed and ashamed for her behavior.

The both of us did the best we could, and have learned and grown from our experience.  What I can share with you is that if you have a loved one who has a mental disorder, please be sure to be patient and understanding, no matter how difficult the situation.  At times you will reach the end of your rope, as did I many times, but your loved one needs you – much more than he/she will ever say.  Stay the course and never give up.  Though he/she may leave you in the end, at least you will know that you probably saved his/her life.


1 comment January 2, 2014


First of all, I wish to thank everyone for your support.  You are all loved and appreciated!  As for my recent upset, I have some news.  I write this in expectation that my experience will help others who are going through a similar situation.

In my previous post I mentioned that my significant other moved out unexpectedly.  I thought that she was angry with me and upset about the nature of our relationship.  After some discussion I understood that it was a simple matter of self-preservation.  People who suffer from schizophrenia need structure – a daily routing relatively free of stress.  The problem with my home and lifestyle is that there is very little structure and quite a bit of stress due to financial limitations, etc.  My s/o needed to leave in order to avoid a recurrence of her symptoms, which I completely understand.

I made an assessment based on observation, which isn’t always a great idea.  Things are going on in people’s heads which cannot be seen.  So, if your significant other is suffering from a mental disorder it is important to have completely open communication so that misunderstandings can be avoided.  If he or she is currently psychotic, however, there is very little you can glean from conversation, so you have little choice but to rely on observation.  Since I have not fully accepted my s/o’s recovery, it makes sense that I was still operating with my former mindset.  This time apart will give me an opportunity to get to know my girlfriend again, and the distance will help keep things in perspective.  

So, my suggestion to fellow caregivers is to proceed with caution.  Your s/o may or may not be able to relay his or her feelings adequately, which may lead to unexpected and/or unpleasant outcomes.  He/she needs your love, support, and understanding.  Be patient and at the ready to help him/her however you can – trust me when I say that you are very much needed and dropping the ball is not an option.  Hang in there!

PS:  The above photo was taken immediately after I arrived at a recent holiday party.  Its hard to keep up appearances when you are worried, so I apologize for the lack of quality!

4 comments December 22, 2013

Seeking Advice

Nikki 13

Hello my dear fans!  Most of the time I present informative posts to help others (including my book for which this blog site was created).  This time I come to you with a dilemma of my own and hope that someone out there may have some answers for me.

As you know, my significant other befell a terrible mental disorder called schizophrenia.  We met 7 years ago and for the first three we were perfect.  We made people sick with how wonderful we got along.  Then, she was misdiagnosed with having ADHD and prescribed medication which set off her schizophrenia.  It started with bizarre outbursts and completely inaccurate recollections of events.  Finally, two years ago, she became full-blown psychotic which ended when she was hospitalized.  During this entire time I stood by her faithfully and had her back.  Most others would have left.  It was terrible.  Now, she is on the road to recovery as she is properly medicated.  I am so very happy the she is finally well!

Now for the bad news :  my s/o moved out a few days ago.  This was completely out of the blue.  She arrived with her parents – who blocked me from talking to her – picked up her belongings and left.  We’ve been speaking, but it seems that she believes that I did nothing to help her and that her parents were her saviors (who could do very little).  I received the screaming and beatings, worked with her doctors, dealt with the police, filed involuntary commitment papers, visited her every day at the hospital, protected her image, and ran myself into the ground in a 4 year battle to get her the help she needed.  I don’t know why I have been demonized.  I’d like to know what you think of this.  I am lost and confused.  Not the Christmas present for which I was hoping!    

The most tragic and traumatic part of this entire event –  one of which no one knew until now (because I don’t talk about it) – is that it feels that I have watched my s/o die 3 times.  The first version of her – the one with whom I fell in love – died 4 years ago when she was misdiagnosed and given medication which made her personality change.  The second version died when she became psychotic.  The third version died when she was finally diagnosed and prescribed the proper meds.  Now the current version – the one who is medicated and in recovery – is someone entirely new as well.  It is hard to explain how incredibly painful it is to watch the person you love disappear forever three times in almost as many years.  None of the versions of her were the same, even in appearance.  They were all completely different.  And each time one would die I would have to get to know the new one all over again.  Most of my frustration with her wasn’t her fault, it was me getting to know the stranger in my home – someone I didn’t fall in love with – and had to learn and accept an entirely new personality.     

I am not the only one who is suffering this dilemma.  In fact, I am sure it is a very common problem when it comes to caregivers and mental  illness.  I just need to know why this is happening and what I should do.  And, as always, whatever wisdom you share will help others who are facing similar complications.  Thank you all for being there for me!

5 comments December 20, 2013

Saying “No” to Drugs

Nikki 3

As you know, I am quite familiar with hedonistic activities of every sort, including recreational use of drugs.  That being said, in an attempt to better myself as well as to set a good example for others I have joined the ranks of the clean and sober.

Drug use is common.  Even alcohol is considered a drug and can have just as detrimental an effect on one’s life as methamphetamies if abused.  I get that everyone needs an escape – just be sure to practice moderation.  If you are a newbie, abstinence is your best option – trust me on this.

I used to love getting high and having sex.  It was awesome!  However, it pales in comparison to a sober rendezvous when you can use all of your assets, feel everything, and remember the whole event the next day.  Also, sober sex tends to keep you from doing ridiculously dangerous activities which you would never do if in your right mind.

This has not been an easy path for me to take.  The reason I chose the above outfit is because it was my last “uniform” of choice before I began using…15 years ago.  It all began as an adventure – to add a spark to what was already mind-blowing.  After a while, however, the drugs became the primary focus of my outings rather than exploring and learning.  My mission – to understand myself and others and to help others understand the transgendered – took a back seat and remained there for close to a decade.  Coming back took a lot of effort and the help of friends and family – especially my significant other.  I finally re-examined my goals which lead to my book, Sexy Knees.  Though it seems to glorify my use of drugs and pursuit of rampant sex, it is actually a collection of cautionary tales, any of which could have gone horribly wrong – I was just lucky.  My message in Sexy Knees is to explore and be yourself, but not do what I did.

Has abstinence made me a boring person?  Not at all!  I still have adventures – I’m just choosing safety over recklessness just as much as one would choose wearing a parachute over jumping out of a plane onto a pile of pillows.  Also, it is more important for me to remain sober and take care of my s/o than traipse into the night on a drug-crazed bender!

So here I am, a fob-carrying member of N/A.  I am not perfect – in fact, I am deeply flawed and full of contradictions.  That being said, I always try to do the right thing, even if it takes me years to complete the process.  If you are interested in N/A ( or are an addict and just need someone with whom to talk, please contact me:  I look forward to hearing from you!

2 comments December 3, 2013

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