I am still waiting for a donor to fund my emergency mission to Ukraine in order to deliver a life-saving piece of equipment to a hospital in need. The total is 2200. I understand that this may be an expensive date but you will be saving lives, and that means a lot more than just a night out with me. I am willing to split the cost between the airline ticket (1200) and in-country expenses (1000). This way the financial burden will be evenly divided between two people. I hope this helps. Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org to discuss moving forward with this fun and important endeavor!!!
Add a comment July 20, 2016
I need $2,200 to personally deliver a life-saving piece of medical equipment to a children’s hospital overseas in the next few weeks. If you are willing to support my mission then I will go out with you on an honest-to-goodness date for the night! Saving lives is my most important endeavor and this device will protect many children from suffering and death, so you know that your funding will be used for a very good cause! Contact me directly at email@example.com
PS: Only the date winner will get the full details of the mission and expenditures.
Add a comment July 12, 2016
As you may recall, I had a little internet show called “Up Late with Nikki Tanikawa” which had one episode under its belt before my ex befell her illness. Many of you have encouraged me to bring it back and I am seriously considering this as a possibility. I’ll want the new episodes to focus on interesting people and places in North Carolina and Virginia, but the entire world is open to exploration! And yes, the topics will mostly be about sex. I will need a new production team and camera crew so let me know if you are interested in joining us. I’ll keep you posted on developments!
Add a comment July 11, 2016
First, my promise of new photos has not been forgotten so hang in there. It has been a busy summer with all of my charity work and domination sessions but I will definitely find the time to take a few professional shots.
Second, my 4th mission to Ukraine is being prepared so I will keep you posted. I was supposed to be in-country by now but a patient for whom I arranged surgery is arriving shortly and that obviously takes precedence. So, the new departure date for my mission will be sometime in the fall. The objective is to continue teaching children about landmines as well as to provide medical aid to people in combat areas.
If you wish to support my work you are welcome to do so via Paypal (firstname.lastname@example.org), but of critical importance is to spread the word about the severity of the conflict and that the people of Ukraine need our help. No one remembers that there is a war in Europe because our media likes to corral our attention. People are dying by the hundreds and thousands, and you can speak for them by sharing photos and videos (of which there are plenty). Or…if you wish…you can join me on the front line, brave the bullets, and tell the story of the people through your own interviews.
Add a comment June 7, 2016
As I promised, if you helped support my missions to protect the children of Ukraine I would start taking new photos as a show of appreciation. Many of you have done precisely this so I am now booked for my first photo shoot since 2012! Thank you for always being such loyal and caring fans!!!
1 comment May 14, 2016
Actually, I have been back for a while but have been super-busy getting caught up with bills and making good on promises to care for sick children I met.
It was a very exciting, dangerous, and soul affirming mission. Many lives are protected due to my work and many children whom would have gone without notice are now being looked at as potential aid recipients. It was totally worth the time and effort.
In regard to needs which must be met, I ask of you,my wonderful fans, if any of you have a hearing amplifier – a good one – you can donate. For this you will have earned a date with me!!!
I also am in great need of equipment which will aid in the growth and physical well-being of many children with cerebral palsy. I am willing to take any good-quality piece worth shipping.
Finally, I am preparing for another mission in June to deliver any donations you give. Financial donations will be gladly accepted as I will need it for airline tickets, living expenses, etc.
If the response is good then I will set aside time for a new photo shoot before I go! I have a new photographer – you have seen some of her work – and I will finally give you something pretty at which to look. Deal?
A date with me…just to be clear…will be a nice, stress-free dinner at my tiny little home. It isn’t the greatest of date options but my time is limited. At least you get to meet me!!!!
About the above photo: I remember when this was taken by my old photographer, Tom. It is apt as he died a few years ago – killed by a drunk driver. This was at his old home. I miss him every day.
For donation questions contact me at: email@example.com
Add a comment April 23, 2016
I began this journey a long time ago (thank goodness I don’t age). The message I had from the beginning is to always be willing to challenge boundaries, live free, explore as much as possible, and be yourself. I am a firm believer that life is WAY too short to spend it doing a lot of boring, meaningless activities – LIVE and LIVE BIG. Tomorrow may come at any moment so don’t leave yourself any room to look back and ask, “what if?”
Next week may very well be my last on earth. Sad, but quite possible. I am going into a combat area to help children, which a noble mission. If I meet my end I know I am okay because I am doing the right and good thing, as well as the fact that I have left virtually no stone left unturned. Maybe you can’t go as far as I have, but at least play a little and enjoy your time while you are able. Seriously – why not?
Finally, it is very important to reiterate my message that it doesn’t matter what you do for a living – as long as you are making the world a better place you are doing good. Do everything you can to help each other and remember to smile and hug a LOT – that one smile you give may save someone who has given up. And protect those with mental disabilities – they need your acceptance and love, not special treatment!
I love you all and believe in each and every one of you. See you soon with some new photos!!!
Add a comment February 19, 2016
I am back (and yes, this is an old photo – maybe 3 years ago – but it is one of my favorites)! Interesting thing – once I stopped taking my anti-depressants I stopped being depressed! Go figure.
Well, my hello is a short one as I am leaving for Ukraine next week to teach children about landmines as well as do some minor medical work. I will be back, I promise! If you wish to support my mission just write me and I will tell you how to forward funds. No matter what you will be helping save lives – theirs and/or mine!
Since I am mo longer depressed I am finally getting back into modeling! I will absolutely take and new photos when I return. In the meantime please stay well and see you soon!!!
1 comment February 17, 2016
I will be in Ukraine within the next few days so keep me in your prayers and good thoughts. I will be working with orphaned children deep inside hostile territory so this will not be a safe mission.
I believe that it does not matter what you do for a living as long as you do good in in the world. Also, whatever wrongdoings can be undone by a righteous act. Live good lives, everyone, and love each other.
If you wish to donate to my charity it will be very happily accepted as there is a lot for me to do (tax-deductible so ask for our DLN number if you contribute). Also, it will be nice to have funds to get me out of trouble over there! Paypal: firstname.lastname@example.org
Add a comment May 27, 2015
I will soon be departing for Ukraine to help provide humanitarian aid to the people. It must be made clear that I take no sides and will assist Russians and Ukrainians alike. This is what I do to help make the world a better place.
Remember that I love you all and hope that through my example all of you will be inspired to make a difference. Whether it be for better mental health care, safety from skin cancer, or providing aid to the people…ANY people…DO YOUR THING. Don’t just stand by and watch – get involved and be a part of the good side. We desperately need you!!!
The above photo is a tad bit inappropriate for my mission as they don’t really like us there, but I am a representative of the people of the United States and as such bear the flag with pride (though in truth I am representing my home state of North Carolina). This picture, as is the case with most of my photos, was taken by my dead friend, Tom. It is a fitting tribute.
Add a comment May 15, 2015
I have been out of modeling for quite some time and am getting tired of recycling my photos. I look exactly the same but wish to prove it by taking new pics, so I am seeking an awesome photographer whom is willing to put up with my odd but efficient modeling methodology. My regular photographer died, sadly, hence the need for someone new. If you wish to be considered please let me know and we’ll talk!
Add a comment May 7, 2015
In order to properly fund my missions to Ukraine and other humanitarian endeavors – including my fight for better mental health care for all – I have re-engaged in my old extracurricular activity, domination! I used to love experimenting new techniques on my submissives and had the best of time meeting new people. Combined with helping the less fortunate I think I am well on my way to being a happier and more productive person. If you are interested in experiencing a domination session with me please email me at email@example.com. Remember – it doesn’t matter what you do for a living as long as you make the world a better place.
Add a comment May 6, 2015
As you know I am going to be heading to Ukraine for a humanitarian mission this month. I am delaying it until the end of the month or the beginning of May. If you wish to donate diapers, basic medical supplies, or money (which I will use for trip funds) please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I wish you all a wonderful Easter holiday!!!
PS: The photo is a classic from my book!
Add a comment April 4, 2015
Hi everyone!!! As you know, I am still recovering from a very traumatic loss – it is taking much longer than I had hoped. If I spend a moment in silence I realize that the heartbreak is still debilitating. That being said, I am using this “downtime” to accomplish some very important humanitarian activities in hopes of making the world a better place. This is beyond my crusade to improve the mental health system for all who suffer from mental disorders.
I am getting ready to travel to Ukraine for the second time in order to illuminate the extreme suffering of the people in the east. I want Americans to see and understand what is happening so that they will be more encouraged to provide humanitarian aid materials. If you have anything you wish to donate such as medical and/or hygiene supplies as well as funding for my mission please contact me at email@example.com.
Last but not least, I have a few new artistic photographers who will be instrumental in creating a totally different kind of image for me. Think “Dark Beauty” – an online photo art gallery. I’ve been spending a lot more time doing simple Nikki-esque activities so I am definitely getting back on track. Your encouragement is appreciated!!!
Add a comment March 23, 2015
I wish each and every one of you the very happiest year in 2015. May all of your dreams come true!
I took the past 2 years off from modeling and focused on matters such as mental illness awareness, suicide prevention, skin cancer awareness, and other important issues. This will not end. I believe that it is very important for those of us who have an audience to use our status to help others. I will ALWAYS care about you and the people.
I am being pushed by friends and fans to re-engage in my modeling so definitely expect new photos in 2015. Yay! No more recycled images!!! I am hoping that by getting back in front of the camera I will be encouraging others to be yourself and proud of who you are.
I close by saying the following: No matter who you are or what you do for a living, you have the power to make the world a better place. You are important. You MATTER. So get out there and be the best “you” that you can be. I believe in you!!!
3 comments January 3, 2015
It is a bit after the fact, but I had my skin cancer surgery and they successfully removed all traces. So far as the dermatologist can tell I am clear of any remaining cancer. Yay! It took roughly 3 weeks to fully recover, which kind of surprised me. I thought it would be a simple 30 minute operation like the first time, but this was a 3 hour procedure. I was weak for at least a week with limited mobility for almost 2 weeks.
The moral of this story is to be careful both in the sun and tanning bed. I have very tough skin and only fake baked and still got cancer, so don’t risk it and just go with the skin tone nature gave you. Even better is to use sun screen as a good friend of mine got melanoma simply by driving around with his arm resting on the door. Be safe!!!
PS: the good news is that the stitches made my boobies even so I will be much happier being topless!!!
3 comments November 17, 2014
Okay, I have run into a slight complication with my return to modeling. I have been diagnosed with skin cancer. I place the blame entirely on myself for all of the tanning I did before shoots. Though I am really dark, I liked the way I looked right after I got out of the tanning bed – it gave me a glow which showed up nicely on camera.
To give you the background, my doctor noticed it 2 years ago but I was so focused on getting help for my significant other that I just ignored it, and after she left I was too sad to do anything about it. The end result is that it went from the size of a pencil eraser to the size of a dime. My dermatologist thinks it is Basal Cell, which is a simple procedure. However, it has every hallmark of Melanoma, and having waited so long it may have spread elsewhere.
I will be receiving the final diagnosis this Thursday, so hang in there and pray for me/send me good thoughts. I will be okay either way. Wow – what a oddly bumpy year it has been!
1 comment October 14, 2014
Hello everyone! I am so sorry to have vanished on you but you knew that was coming. I had to take an extensive mental health break in order to keep functioning. I’m sure you understand. I spent the spring and summer doing charitable work overseas and at home, and feel much better for it. Still horribly heartbroken and lost, but such is the way of loving and losing. I’ve got some super-artistic photo shoots coming up, very different from my usual, and will be sharing the images both here and on my Flickr site. I hope you like them. Have a wonderful Labor Day weekend and see you very soon!
6 comments August 29, 2014
I recently found out that my s/o may be getting a job. I know that this may seem insignificant, but believe me, it is a major achievement in restoring herself back to normal life. It takes an incredible amount of courage to go through what she experienced and face the world again. If you know someone who has been diagnosed with a mental illness and is trying to get back on his/her feet, give him/or her a big hug and provide all the encouragement you can muster. I am certain it will make a huge difference in his/her day and will eventually turn those little steps into big strides. My love goes out to everyone who suffers from a mental disorder. I believe in you!!!!!!!
PS: The previous three photos are from the best shoot of my career – the pictures turned out perfectly and we all had a lot of fun. Thank you Danny and Hairy!
2 comments March 4, 2014
I have one thing to say about prescription medications: I hate them. I hate them for the following three reasons:
1) It is an inordinately profit-oriented monopoly which leaves many in need without the treatment they deserve due to economic deficiency.
2) I’ve known too many friends who have become addicted to prescription meds even though taken properly.
3) Though absolutely necessary, they sometimes do more harm than good in the treatment of a disease or condition.
Though I can go into detail about all three of my gripes, I will limit this post to just my recent experiences. When my significant other started taking medication for her schizophrenia my reaction was not annoyance, but rather befuddlement. The medication they prescribed controlled her symptoms, but changed her reactions so significantly that I had no idea how to read her emotions. This led to many complications between her and me. She was lucky in that it only took two attempts to get her medication right. My brother didn’t fare as well – it took him 10 meds and pretty much the same number of years to get his chemical “cocktail” correct.
During the 4 1/2 years that my s/o was ill I went out of my way to get to know many people of her age group and older in order to better understand her condition and what she was experiencing. Since she couldn’t expand on her predicament I had to guess, but my “helpers” did a fantastic job giving me pointers regardless of the particular disorder. The major complication was that there was no formal diagnosis until the very end, so though I had a good idea from what she suffered, I could not be sure until after the doctors were able to spend time with her. Though everyone’s experience was completely and utterly unique, the one common thread was their complaint about meds. To a person they all griped about how it changed the way they thought and behaved, so much so in many cases that they preferred the condition over the medicinal side effects!
Once my significant other left, my doctor insisted that I take anti-depressants. Though I have experience with anti-anxiety meds (which are much like drinking a half-glass of wine) I had no concept of the effect of ADs. After going through 7 – that’s right…7 – different anti-depressants in a 2 month period we finally found one which didn’t make me want to sleep all day, kill all humans, or render me comatose. Still, I find that my reactions to people and situations are significantly different. I appear to be angry but am actually just zoning. I slur my speech so I seem drunk half of the time. When I am happy, I come across as indifferent. These are basically the kind of emotional crossed signals which my s/o was giving during the first few months on her medication – no wonder why things were so confusing for us both!!!
Now that I have experienced prescription medications from the other side of the fence I have a much deeper understanding of not only what my significant other was having to suffer, but that of anyone currently taking meds with similar side effects (which seem to be most of them). As such, I can recommend the following: if you know someone who must take medication for any psychological disorder PLEASE BE PATIENT. The person you know may not act or think the way you expect, even if you have known him/her for years. They need your strength to get them through the worst part of acclimating to the his/her new chemistry, and the process may be lengthy. Give him/her all the love and encouragement you can provide as he/she will need every bit of it to get back on his/her feet. As always, feel free to write me for any advice!
3 comments March 4, 2014
I wish to thank all of you for your undying support. You have helped me navigate and survive the most troubling time of my life. Your efforts are deeply appreciated and I love you all!
As you know, my significant other suffers from schizophrenia – a severely dibilitating mental disorder from which there is no recovery. Providing care for someone who has this disease is incredibly difficult and traumatic, especially pre-diagnosis. I am no stranger to mental disorders, but this one makes all of my other experiences pale by comparison. Make no mistake, schizophrenia is dangerous but it is important to stand fast – no matter what complications you may face – and get your loved one the help required in order for him/her to live a normal life. As I have said before, they need you more than you will ever know (though at times it may seem they don’t want you at all).
Since my significant other departed I have been left with a lingering depression and a great sense of loss – I never got the chance to say “goodbye.” I also suffer from anxiety which is a result of never knowing which personality I would be facing from one minute to the next.
There is good coming out of all this, however. My experiences are being used to help others and my s/o is living a much happier life, so it is not a complete loss. If you or someone you know suffers from mental disease, depression, and/or anxiety I welcome you to contact me if you need advice or someone with whom to speak. Don’t make the same mistake I did and get support early – you can’t do this alone. It is always best to reach me at my regular email address as I rarely check this one: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Remember: mental disease no different than any other illness. There is no reason to be ashamed or to treat someone differently due to a disorder. Though my s/o has schizophrenia she is still a wonderful, beautiful, loving, and kind-hearted person. She is not the disease and neither is anyone else who suffers from mental illness. People are people – some just need a little more help to make it through the day.
In closing, please help the mentally ill by supporting local initiatives and care centers. There are many clinics which operate free of charge in order to provide assistance to those in need. By helping them you will be making the world a better place and will have my sincerest appreciation!
PS: the above photo was taken by Hairy and Chaps of Powder Springs, GA.
10 comments February 26, 2014
Hi everyone! As you know, I have been suffering from depression due to extended caregiving followed by the loss of my significant other. Additionally, my dad had a heart attack last week. So far, 2014 has not been a great year.
That being said, I am slowly but surely getting out of my funk and am ready to re-engage in modeling – the good, clean, and profitable kind! I am still slated to do some clothing promos for a few companies both in NC and GA, for which I am eternally happy and grateful (thanks, guys). So keep an eye on my page – I will be back in just a bit!
Again, thank you so much for being such wonderful fans. You supported me through the worst period of my life and I owe a significant debt of gratitude to you for helping me see this through. You are all loved!
6 comments February 19, 2014
Before I go, I wish to ask one final question: why? My significant other has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met. She has more love to give to the world than all of us put together. Why would someone this good…this great…be given one of the worst illnesses on the planet? With Ebola you die…quickly. With Alzheimer’s the victim is typically old and has had the opportunity to live a long and fruitful life. My s/o is only 25 and her illness will only get worse. It seems horribly unfair. So…for my peace of mind…I ask that you ponder this while I am away, see if you can make sense of this, and leave me answers. I’ll be back soon!
4 comments January 27, 2014
Hi everyone! I know that this will come as no great surprise, but I will be taking a small break from the world as I recover from the loss of my significant other. As you know, she suffers from a severe form of schizophrenia and over the past 5 years I have been mourning her “death” after she permanently changed both her personality and physical appearance…three times. Finally, a little over a month ago, she left for good and will not be coming back.
I need to recharge and refocus in order to keep moving. This is a simple matter of survival. After 5 intense years of caregiving I am depleted of energy and only have the barest of essentials to sustain myself. I’ve lost 7 pounds – which is a lot for me – and am in a true and deep depression. I am not relieved that she is gone – rather, I am sad, confused, and worried. Not a word was spoken to me when she left – she simply packed a few things and vanished. I deserved at least a “goodbye,” I think.
So, in order to maintain that smile, mind, and body which you all love, I need to vanish myself for a little while and get back on my feet. I will be staying at the equivalent of a monastery and will be quietly reflecting on the good and bad that I have done so that I can be the best person I can be for whatever comes next. Remember – schizophrenia is a mental illness and my significant other did nothing wrong. I’m not saying I deserved what I got, but rather it was a situation through which we both suffered equally and she and I need this time to recover. I will be back, I promise. I love you all!
4 comments January 26, 2014
We all have our limits when it comes to coping. As of late I have encountered difficulty with caregiving, managing stress, and dealing with the knowledge that the actions I have taken hurt my significant other. It is hard to find good coping skills when it involves pain you have caused a loved one. I am angry at myself for being so foolish and selfish. You think you are doing the best you can, but hindsight always reveals that you could have done much better. And when your battery is low – or worse, dry – it becomes very difficult to manage your thoughts and feelings.
Fortunately, there are plenty of resources to help you through difficult times. As you know, I am a firm believer in therapy, NA, NAMI, and, most recently, anger management classes. I will even be attending a retreat for loss and healing in the near future. We can all do better – the trick is to recognize when you need help and seek assistance before any damage is done. A good rule of thumb is when that little voice in the back of your head whispers that you are doing wrong, assume it is true. I ignored my little voice, even when it was screaming, and sailed on while telling myself that staying the course and seeing things through was the only option. Even though this is generally true (excluding glaring exceptions like Little Big Horn, Vietnam, and Soviet Afghanistan), always remember that every ship needs to deviate when there’s an iceberg ahead (Titanic).
So, do what I do and find support groups which suit your needs and go to the meetings regularly. Listen to others’ experiences as you will gain plenty of coping skills from those who have already endured your torment. Most importantly, learn from your mistakes so that you do not repeat them!
3 comments January 10, 2014
Do you believe in time travel? Do you think it is possible to turn the clock back and explore history? If so, what would you do? Where would you go? Would you hunt dinosaurs or hang with Jesus? Or would you visit your past self and warn yourself of the mistakes you were about to make?
Personally, I believe that everything happens for a reason, and no matter how painful the experience it is important to endure and grow from it. Of course, we always have a choice. We can either see things through and hold fast to the belief that everything will be okay, or we can delve into our fears and take a darker, different path.
I have made many, many mistakes both great and small. I am happy for each and every one as collectively they brought me to the here and now. One missed stop light or one wrong turn would have drastically altered my course. That being said, I am pretty sure that, given the chance, I would visit my past self and warn me about the choices I would make over the past 7 years, cautioning for better judgement (my significant other deserved far better than what she got).
I’d like to hear your thoughts about this issue and what you would change. For those of you who wish to read about non-scientific examples of supposed or claimed time travel please check out the following link: http://www.trutv.com/conspiracy/paranormal/time-travelers/gallery.html
4 comments January 3, 2014
I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few years talking about how difficult it has been for me to endure my significant other’s mental illness. Little has been said about how much she has suffered.
First, I am not an angel. I got irritable. I got rude. I got angry. I was scared and confused. There is no playbook for how to deal with a loved one’s descent into psychosis. No matter how much support you may have, how many books you read, or doctors with whom you talk, you and your significant other are in it alone both as a couple as well as individuals. No one else will ever truly understand what you are going through or how to help.
Second, my girlfriend was more alone and confused than I could ever imagine. Even though I was there for her and trying to help, she was suffering her illness all by herself. She was terrified. Additionally, there is the social stigma that goes along with having a mental disorder. Though I made sure that people understood what was happening, it does not prevent her from feeling embarrassed and ashamed for her behavior.
The both of us did the best we could, and have learned and grown from our experience. What I can share with you is that if you have a loved one who has a mental disorder, please be sure to be patient and understanding, no matter how difficult the situation. At times you will reach the end of your rope, as did I many times, but your loved one needs you – much more than he/she will ever say. Stay the course and never give up. Though he/she may leave you in the end, at least you will know that you probably saved his/her life.
1 comment January 2, 2014
First of all, I wish to thank everyone for your support. You are all loved and appreciated! As for my recent upset, I have some news. I write this in expectation that my experience will help others who are going through a similar situation.
In my previous post I mentioned that my significant other moved out unexpectedly. I thought that she was angry with me and upset about the nature of our relationship. After some discussion I understood that it was a simple matter of self-preservation. People who suffer from schizophrenia need structure – a daily routing relatively free of stress. The problem with my home and lifestyle is that there is very little structure and quite a bit of stress due to financial limitations, etc. My s/o needed to leave in order to avoid a recurrence of her symptoms, which I completely understand.
I made an assessment based on observation, which isn’t always a great idea. Things are going on in people’s heads which cannot be seen. So, if your significant other is suffering from a mental disorder it is important to have completely open communication so that misunderstandings can be avoided. If he or she is currently psychotic, however, there is very little you can glean from conversation, so you have little choice but to rely on observation. Since I have not fully accepted my s/o’s recovery, it makes sense that I was still operating with my former mindset. This time apart will give me an opportunity to get to know my girlfriend again, and the distance will help keep things in perspective.
So, my suggestion to fellow caregivers is to proceed with caution. Your s/o may or may not be able to relay his or her feelings adequately, which may lead to unexpected and/or unpleasant outcomes. He/she needs your love, support, and understanding. Be patient and at the ready to help him/her however you can – trust me when I say that you are very much needed and dropping the ball is not an option. Hang in there!
PS: The above photo was taken immediately after I arrived at a recent holiday party. Its hard to keep up appearances when you are worried, so I apologize for the lack of quality!
4 comments December 22, 2013
Hello my dear fans! Most of the time I present informative posts to help others (including my book for which this blog site was created). This time I come to you with a dilemma of my own and hope that someone out there may have some answers for me.
As you know, my significant other befell a terrible mental disorder called schizophrenia. We met 7 years ago and for the first three we were perfect. We made people sick with how wonderful we got along. Then, she was misdiagnosed with having ADHD and prescribed medication which set off her schizophrenia. It started with bizarre outbursts and completely inaccurate recollections of events. Finally, two years ago, she became full-blown psychotic which ended when she was hospitalized. During this entire time I stood by her faithfully and had her back. Most others would have left. It was terrible. Now, she is on the road to recovery as she is properly medicated. I am so very happy the she is finally well!
Now for the bad news : my s/o moved out a few days ago. This was completely out of the blue. She arrived with her parents – who blocked me from talking to her – picked up her belongings and left. We’ve been speaking, but it seems that she believes that I did nothing to help her and that her parents were her saviors (who could do very little). I received the screaming and beatings, worked with her doctors, dealt with the police, filed involuntary commitment papers, visited her every day at the hospital, protected her image, and ran myself into the ground in a 4 year battle to get her the help she needed. I don’t know why I have been demonized. I’d like to know what you think of this. I am lost and confused. Not the Christmas present for which I was hoping!
The most tragic and traumatic part of this entire event – one of which no one knew until now (because I don’t talk about it) – is that it feels that I have watched my s/o die 3 times. The first version of her – the one with whom I fell in love – died 4 years ago when she was misdiagnosed and given medication which made her personality change. The second version died when she became psychotic. The third version died when she was finally diagnosed and prescribed the proper meds. Now the current version – the one who is medicated and in recovery – is someone entirely new as well. It is hard to explain how incredibly painful it is to watch the person you love disappear forever three times in almost as many years. None of the versions of her were the same, even in appearance. They were all completely different. And each time one would die I would have to get to know the new one all over again. Most of my frustration with her wasn’t her fault, it was me getting to know the stranger in my home – someone I didn’t fall in love with – and had to learn and accept an entirely new personality.
I am not the only one who is suffering this dilemma. In fact, I am sure it is a very common problem when it comes to caregivers and mental illness. I just need to know why this is happening and what I should do. And, as always, whatever wisdom you share will help others who are facing similar complications. Thank you all for being there for me!
5 comments December 20, 2013
As you know, I am quite familiar with hedonistic activities of every sort, including recreational use of drugs. That being said, in an attempt to better myself as well as to set a good example for others I have joined the ranks of the clean and sober.
Drug use is common. Even alcohol is considered a drug and can have just as detrimental an effect on one’s life as methamphetamies if abused. I get that everyone needs an escape – just be sure to practice moderation. If you are a newbie, abstinence is your best option – trust me on this.
I used to love getting high and having sex. It was awesome! However, it pales in comparison to a sober rendezvous when you can use all of your assets, feel everything, and remember the whole event the next day. Also, sober sex tends to keep you from doing ridiculously dangerous activities which you would never do if in your right mind.
This has not been an easy path for me to take. The reason I chose the above outfit is because it was my last “uniform” of choice before I began using…15 years ago. It all began as an adventure – to add a spark to what was already mind-blowing. After a while, however, the drugs became the primary focus of my outings rather than exploring and learning. My mission – to understand myself and others and to help others understand the transgendered – took a back seat and remained there for close to a decade. Coming back took a lot of effort and the help of friends and family – especially my significant other. I finally re-examined my goals which lead to my book, Sexy Knees. Though it seems to glorify my use of drugs and pursuit of rampant sex, it is actually a collection of cautionary tales, any of which could have gone horribly wrong – I was just lucky. My message in Sexy Knees is to explore and be yourself, but not do what I did.
Has abstinence made me a boring person? Not at all! I still have adventures – I’m just choosing safety over recklessness just as much as one would choose wearing a parachute over jumping out of a plane onto a pile of pillows. Also, it is more important for me to remain sober and take care of my s/o than traipse into the night on a drug-crazed bender!
So here I am, a fob-carrying member of N/A. I am not perfect – in fact, I am deeply flawed and full of contradictions. That being said, I always try to do the right thing, even if it takes me years to complete the process. If you are interested in N/A (www.na.org) or are an addict and just need someone with whom to talk, please contact me: email@example.com. I look forward to hearing from you!
2 comments December 3, 2013
First, I wish you a happy belated Thanksgiving and wonderful holiday season!!! I also wish to apologize for my most recent disappearance. As you know my mentally ill significant other was involuntarily committed and was released in early October. I am happy to report that she is almost back to normal – its just a matter of her getting to know herself again as the past 10 years have been a blur. I have spent most of my time helping her readjust to home life but now that she is well I am finally able to get back into my routine. Yay!
Now, to my topic of discussion. I was perusing the White House website and was happy to find the following article announcing November 20th as Transgendered Day of Remembrance. This day is intended to provide the public an opportunity to remember those who have lost their lives to violence and injustice because of their gender identity or gender expression. I was both surprised and happy to know that president Obama has taken an interest in the plight of the LGBT community!
As you may know, President Obama signed the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd Jr. Hate Crime Prevention Act four years ago, which greatly expanded the federal government’s ability to prosecute hate crimes. The law marked the first time that the words, “sexual orientation” and “gender identity” appeared in the U.S. Code, and enables the Justice Department to prosecute in certain circumstances hate crimes committed because of a person’s actual or perceived race, color, religion, national origin, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, or disability.
Additionally, earlier this year President Obama signed the reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) that included critical protections for transgender people and for the broader LGBT community. The legislation removed barriers faced by LGBT victims of domestic violence and sexual assault, whose needs are often overlooked by law enforcement, prosecutors, courts, and victim service providers. It also included three provisions that would help LGBT victims of domestic violence and sexual assault access VAWA-funded services:
- First, the law added a LGBT-focused purpose area to the STOP Violence Against Women Formula Grant program, the largest VAWA program and the one that supports law enforcement, prosecution, court and victim service activities in every State.
- Second, the law amended the Act’s definition of “underserved population” to recognize that LGBT victims face barriers to service.
- Third, the law protects LGBT victims from discrimination by prohibiting discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity in VAWA-funded programs or activities.
This commitment to equality for all members of the LGBT community extends internationally, where the Obama Administration continues to promote and protect the human rights of LGBT persons. For example, at the United Nations the United States is standing up for the rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals and fighting to ensure that their voices are heard and protected. I, for one, deeply appreciate this initiative.
So, although a few weeks late, I ask you to join me in celebrating Transgendered Remembrance Day by taking action to ensure that the LGBT community world-wide receives the protection and respect it needs and deserves. I also wish to encourage that you do whatever you can to help protect both women and children whose needs are just as imperative. Finally, please write the White House and express thanks for these important actions. Thank you again for being my fans!
I didn’t write much of the above, by the way. I simply cut and pasted from the White House site – they said it better. I hope you don’t mind! For those who wish to read more, here is the link to the White House page: http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2013/11/20/marking-transgender-day-remembrance-0
Add a comment December 3, 2013
As you know, my significant other and I just went through a 4-year ordeal with her decline into severe mental illness. Her particular disorder – schizophrenia – is highly debilitating and may include the following signs and symptoms:
- Difficulty speaking
- Loss of interest in everyday activities
- Appearing to lack emotion
- Reduced ability to plan or carry out activities
- Neglect of personal hygiene
- Social withdrawal
- Loss of motivation
- Problems with making sense of information
- Difficulty paying attention
- Memory problems
At first I was deeply concerned about her ability to survive. Once she was involuntarily committed (which was the most difficult and traumatic experience of my life) my concern was completely focused on ensuring that her treatment was successful. Due to a lack of insurance my s/o was left in the hands of the state which, at the time, was a scary prospect. For almost a week she had to sit in the equivalent of a mental health prison cell while awaiting an available bed at one of the public facilities – the number of which was reduced by half due to budget cuts.
Fortunately and contrary to popular belief, state mental hospitals are not the terror-filler torture dens featured in movies such as “House on Haunted Hill,” or in TV shows like “Asylum.” The facility to which my significant other was assigned was bright, the staff cheerful and competent, and the medical care incredibly thorough and effective. I could not be happier and am certain that her treatment would not have been as successful at a private hospital (which would have cost us well over $1,200 a day). I say this because private facilities seem to focus on making money rather than curing the illness (we saw this first hand during my s/o’s first commitment – she was kicked out after only 3 days even though her symptoms were highly visible). So, for those of you who need medical care and are financially limited, I can honestly say that you are in good hands if you allow the state to help you.
After the release of my s/o two month later, my attention was turned towards the ugly prospect of not being able to afford her continued medical care (yes, I am poor). This fear was unfounded. We were directed to readily available programs offered by both the state and UNC medical system which enable those of us who are financially deprived the ability to enjoy dedicated medical care at a fraction of the cost. Two examples are as follows:
Charity Care and Pharmacy Assistance – both of which may be found at the following site: http://www.unchealthcare.org/site/healthpatientcare/patient/other/financial.htm
So please do not worry, my penniless brothers and sisters, the system works and is there to help you through troubled times. Feel free to contact me for details as I am always happy to help!!!
PS: I will be launching a campaign to pressure the government to put more funds into the mental health system. It would be an honor to have you join me!
2 comments October 17, 2013
Part of my return to modeling is to be the spokesgirl for the launching of my friend’s 36′ long replica of the Nautilus from Disney’s 1954 film, “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.” This is a fully-publicized event outside Atlanta, GA, complete with major news and magazine coverage. My part of this nautical gala is to be atop the vessel in a designer bikini as it is floated for the first and last time on October 19, 2013. Please access the following Facebook site for further information:
I am deeply honored to have been selected to represent Danny’s work and wish to fulfill my obligation as his spokesmodel. The past few years have been an economic disaster due to my significant other’s debilitating mental illness, so funding the trip so soon after her return from the hospital will be difficult. I ask of you, my wonderful fans, to please donate to my modeling fundraising site at GoFundMe.com: http://www.gofundme.com/4jxtcg
I thank you in advance for your help. Every little bit counts, so even if it is a few dollars I will be deeply appreciative for your support!!!
1 comment September 29, 2013
I wish to thank all of my friends and fans for your undying support during my recent crisis. As you know, my significant other was struck by a very debilitating mental illness known as schizophrenia. This disorder of the mind rendered her completely incapable of functioning due to her catatonic state. It has been both a terrifying and utterly depressing experience.
What you don’t know about my significant other is that she is a brilliant and extremely talented person with a heart of gold, and was a highly-sought model prior to her descent into schizophrenia – all of which changed two years ago. She stopped washing her hair, began talking with people who weren’t in the room, got enraged over experiences which never happened, and shunned all of her friends and family. Her mental disorder transformed her completely and thoroughly. I frequently found her crying quietly during moments of clarity, realizing how she was falling apart – it was the most heart-breaking thing I had ever witnessed. Thankfully, after spending almost 2 months in a hospital, everything is slowly going back to normal. She will always need medication, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I could not have done this without your help. You are all my very close friends and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Whether it was financial, material (food), or emotional support, you carried me during the most difficult and trying time of my life and saw me through to the end. You are the best fans for which anyone could possibly hope. I am here to return the favor if you ever need me. Thank you!!!
PS: A great friend suggested that – now since my crisis is almost over – I set up a fundraising site so I can get back into modeling and continue my “Up Late” internet show. If you care to donate you can access the page at the following link:
I am also selling autographed 8 x 10 modelling photos for $22 each (which includes postage). Pick any picture of me which you like (non-pornographic) and I will print, sign and mail it to you! Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org for details.
Add a comment September 29, 2013
This may sound dark, but it’s actually uplifting. We choose to see the world through our own filters. Is the glass half full or half empty? Do you see where I am going with this? Every misfortune we suffer, every setback, every loss can be viewed as either good or bad depending upon our outlook. It has been my observation that those who choose to see the glass as half full live longer and, more importantly, happier lives than those who prefer the dark side. It is so easy to get lost in our misery…too easy, actually.
A good friend of mine has been suicidal over the loss of a loved one and I grieve for her. What she does not see is that her depression has guided her towards a time of self-growth and awareness, as well as engage in new activities which she would have ignored otherwise – she has become an entirely new person over the past few months. Will she choose to recognize and capitalize upon this progress or ignore it and sink further into the abyss? Let us hope for the latter but it is no one else’s choice but hers.
Personally, I have been suffering from the degradation of my significant other’s mental health. It is a traumatizing and agonizing situation for us both. It would be easy to scream “why me?” and depress ourselves by focusing on the negative. However, she has targeted her illness and is spending all of her time fighting this disease while I have been completely engaged in both supporting her as well as my endeavor to make the world a better place. Our choice to fight for our beliefs, to always try to do what is right, and to fill our hearts with love and hope is the difference between giving up and being a hero.
So my advice to you is be a hero. It is easier than you think! You don’t need to stop a terrorist or end global warming. All you need to do is continue to fight for what you believe and choose to see the good in things. Never give up…never surrender. You will find that even during the darkest of times you will find beauty and heaven everywhere you look!
Add a comment September 26, 2013
Today I am honoring the 2,977 victims of the 9/11 attacks – you will not be forgotten. I also wish to thank the US military, clandestine services, and law enforcement community for protecting America from further harm ever since that fateful day. We are a good and strong nation and have only grown as a result of the terrorists’ attempt to weaken our resolve. A brief glance at our history will show that antagonizing the United States will result in an overwhelming response with one inevitable outcome (with the exception of Vietnam and Somalia). Let us work together as a country to ensure that another 9/11 – whether it be from foreign or domestic sources – never happens again. Stay vigilant, America, and God bless!
Add a comment September 12, 2013
I apologize for not being as attentive to my blog as I had once been. As you know, my significant other has been suffering from a severe mental illness which began to get much worse over the past 4 months. She has required almost all of my attention, which has made it difficult to maintain my momentum on modeling, promoting my book, working on my show, and other endeavors which you have all enjoyed following. Not to worry! My girlfriend is getting proper medical attention, which means all will be back on track as soon as she returns.
As I have mentioned before, mental illness is no different than any other disease. It may be scary, especially if you are unprepared to deal with it, but it is definitely manageable and something which need not disrupt your life. Medication has improved so much in recent years that those with formerly incapacitating disorders such as schizophrenia can now enjoy normal, productive lives.
Lifestyle is definitely an issue and should you or your significant other have a mental disorder you may wish to examine how your daily activities may be structured to make accommodating it easier. For instance, I have been working hard on getting my home and schedule arranged so that my girlfriend will have a more comfortable and less stressful environment. Yes, changing the way you live for the betterment of a loved one may be disruptive, but it is definitely worth the effort if it helps him/her get healthy.
Special emphasis must be paid to ridding your home of illegal substances as this is almost always detrimental – many who suffer from mental illness tend to self-medicate. Eliminating exposure increases the chance that treatment will be successful. I know that this may be hard, but it can me done. Whether it be through such wonderful support groups such as Narcotics Anonymous or – if you aren’t ready to quit – by simply going elsewhere to have your fun, a drug-free environment will go far in helping your loved one get his/her life back on track.
As you know, I entered into my lifestyle both intentionally and with a plan – everything I’ve experienced was done by choice to learn, explore, and enjoy. I realize, however, that my methodology is uncommon. That being said, whether by accident or design my wisdom is relevant to most problems and issues, and I am here to help you with anything. I am focusing on mental health a lot simply because it is something with which I am currently involved, but I am with you and willing to discuss anything you wish. Please call on me – I am here for you!!!
10 comments September 8, 2013
As many of you might have guessed, I am not perpetually 24 (or whatever age to which I always lay claim). Without getting too specific, I am something closer to Catherine Zeta-Jones than Taylor Swift. Typically, when I reveal my actual age very few people believe me as I look so young. My 20-ish complexion has kept me in the modeling game a lot longer than most, and I would like to pass on a few tips to help you look just as youthful.
A large part of my freakish “Dorian Gray” anti-aging secret is simply good genes. Being half-Japanese really helps (as well as that portrait I keep hidden in my attic). Beyond this non-helpful tidbit I do have a few actual suggestions which you may find useful.
1) Don’t do as I do and avoid tanning. Whether it be the sun or a bed, either will do damage to your skin and age you prematurely.
2) Moisturize frequently! Find a good moisturizer and use it every time you take a shower (or more). Pay particular attention to typically dry areas such as your hands, feet, elbows, and knees. I prefer Aveeno Daily Moisturizing Lotion, which costs about $8, but Target and Kroger produce knock-offs which are just as good for about half the price.
3) Prevention is really the name of the game. If you take care of your skin it will stay youthful-looking for far longer than if you continue to ignore it. Many companies are now offering anti-aging products and most of them are good. I tend to stick with Estee, which offers a trio of items which I have recently purchased and have been very satisfied. I use Advanced Night Repair to prevent wrinkles, Time Zone face moisturizer, and Time Zone eye creme – all of which cost me about $150 every three months. That being said, Loreal, Revlon, and other pocketbook-friendly brands have created similar products and am sure they are just as effective.
4) Drink plenty of water. Like most people, I don’t drink near enough water, which is especially bad since I live in eastern North Carolina where it frequently reaches 100 degrees or more in the summer and can get almost as humid as Florida. You don’t have to go crazy, but definitely keep yourself hydrated.
5) Keep your lips moist. To maintain your luscious lips, use a balm such as Burt’s Bees or Blistex Lip Medex. I’ve been using Medex for over 15 years and my lips remain just as kissable as when I was a teen!
6) Avoid stress. Stress can kill you, plain and simple. Go to therapy, pick up a hobby, or do anything else which may help you avoid youth-crushing anxiety. Life will always present troubles, but worrying about your problems will not help you solve them. Maintaining a calm interior will go far in preventing your exterior from aging.
7) Exercise. Don’t overdo it, but definitely get outside and keep your body in shape. Sweating is good for you and will keep your pores clean.
8) Maintain a healthy diet. I used to eat a lot of McDonalds and other fast foods and consider myself lucky that I didn’t put on an extra 20 pounds in the past 5 years. The heaviest I have ever been was 135, and that was in the early 2000’s. These days I stay around 115 to 120, and at my height (5’4″) I think that is a good weight. This is all due to giving up bad food, not eating after 6pm, and making breakfast my biggest meal so I have plenty of time to work it off during the day. You don’t have to stay away from all unhealthy food, but try to moderate.
9) Sleep well. A good night’s rest will help you greatly in staying young at heart and in appearance. I am horrible about sleeping and do pretty much everything wrong. I go to bed around 1am, I leave the lights and television on, drink a lot of water before I bedtime, sleep on the couch, and typically eat a cookie or some other snack when I have to go pee. You can’t do worse than that. Additionally, due to all of the above, I get about two hours of real sleep per night. Nice, eh? You can do much better by not doing what I do – go to bed early, don’t eat or drink before bedtime (or after), turn off all lights and other electronic devices, and have a comfortable place to sleep.
I hope you find my advice helpful. I am only providing you suggestions which work for me – if you have something to offer which you believe is better than my anti-aging regimen please feel free to share!
3 comments August 2, 2013
I have been asked by a friend for years if he could tag along with me to a porn store so he could see the reaction we would get just walking around. Mind you – I haven’t been to a sex shop in a very long time except to sell my book, so this would be as much of an adventure for me as it would be for him. Finally, after a lot of prodding I agreed. We arrived at the store and upon walking through the front door the stalking began. It was both hilarious and sad. Men crept out from all the dark corners began following us and would stand around while my friend and I looked at movies. No one – not one of the 8 guys circling us like sharks – was brave enough to say “hello” to me. I’ll talk with anyone who speaks to me – all you have to do is be friendly. After about 15 minutes we departed – mission complete.
However, this is not where the adventure ends. My friend had the forethought of planning alternate routes to get back home just in case we were followed. He was right to do so as several cars took pursuit immediately after we let the porn store. Nothing seemed menacing, but still you can’t be too careful. Of note is that there is a parking lot across the street from the entrance of the store, making it easy for a stalker to watch everyone come and go. I was wearing one of my trademark stripper outfits (pictured), which would absolutely draw attention. It was from this parking lot that one of our followers began his chase. My friend noticed our trailers and took several side roads to make sure we were begin followed. They remained behind us so we were certain their presence was not by chance.
After several pre-planned attempts to lose our stalkers we concluded that they had been successfully evaded. Upon arriving back home we circled the apartment complex and all was clear. When we got back inside my home we laughed about the event. Of course, this evening’s adventure was nothing with which I was not accustomed. I have been followed a lot, and upon meeting some of these fellows all they wanted was to get to know me as they were too shy to approach me while I was in a store, etc. That being said, if you are a frequent porn store shopper, please be careful. People can be watching you from far away and tail you without your notice if you are not observant. Also, your tags can be run providing people with your name and address. Fun is fun, but you don’t want it to be in the form of a home invasion!
Finally, please remember that women experience this sort of attention all the time. Decrease the creep factor by avoiding following us and work on building self-confidence so that you can walk up and talk to someone whom you find attractive. You don’t have to strike up a conversation – a simple smile and “you look so pretty” would most likely brighten the person’s day.
PS: If you want to look sexy when out in public, be sure to wear more sensible shoes than the ones pictured above!
2 comments July 10, 2013
Today we celebrate our independence day – the day we cast off the yoke of British rule over the American colonies. From this momentous event sprang forth an idea of self government unseen in the world prior to and it has survived the test of time. With the birth of our nation the world began to change for the better, and with any luck will continue to do so. We have our faults, we have made bad decisions, we have been involved in our own atrocities – we are far from perfect, but we are able to learn from our mistakes and have grown from them. We are truly a great nation, and I am proud to be a part of it. Happy birthday, America!
Add a comment July 4, 2013