Small Break
January 26, 2014
sexyknees
Hi everyone! I know that this will come as no great surprise, but I will be taking a small break from the world as I recover from the loss of my significant other. As you know, she suffers from a severe form of schizophrenia and over the past 5 years I have been mourning her “death” after she permanently changed both her personality and physical appearance…three times. Finally, a little over a month ago, she left for good and will not be coming back.
I need to recharge and refocus in order to keep moving. This is a simple matter of survival. After 5 intense years of caregiving I am depleted of energy and only have the barest of essentials to sustain myself. I’ve lost 7 pounds – which is a lot for me – and am in a true and deep depression. I am not relieved that she is gone – rather, I am sad, confused, and worried. Not a word was spoken to me when she left – she simply packed a few things and vanished. I deserved at least a “goodbye,” I think.
So, in order to maintain that smile, mind, and body which you all love, I need to vanish myself for a little while and get back on my feet. I will be staying at the equivalent of a monastery and will be quietly reflecting on the good and bad that I have done so that I can be the best person I can be for whatever comes next. Remember – schizophrenia is a mental illness and my significant other did nothing wrong. I’m not saying I deserved what I got, but rather it was a situation through which we both suffered equally and she and I need this time to recover. I will be back, I promise. I love you all!
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1.
Adam |
January 26, 2014 at 4:24 pm
And we love you, thoughts and prayers Nikki!
2.
sexyknees |
January 27, 2014 at 12:49 pm
Hi Adam! It is really good to hear from you. Please do keep me in your thoughts and prayers. This is the most pain I have ever experienced, and I have seen a lot of death. We all look back and see all the things we did wrong and how we could have done better, I am no different. But there are aspects to this that are so uncommon I am not sure how many people can actually relate. It makes it hard to deal. I feel utterly and completely alone, even when surrounded by people who are experiencing the same type of events. I’ll be okay – it will just take some exceptional coping skills.
3.
Kevin |
January 27, 2014 at 3:04 am
We love you Nikki. Stand tall.
4.
sexyknees |
January 27, 2014 at 12:41 pm
Thank you so very much, Mike. I really appreciate it!