Small Break

January 26, 2014 sexyknees

Nikki 10 013

Hi everyone!  I know that this will come as no great surprise, but I will be taking a small break from the world as I recover from the loss of my significant other.  As you know, she suffers from a severe form of schizophrenia and over the past 5 years I have been mourning her “death” after she permanently changed both her personality and physical appearance…three times.  Finally, a little over a month ago, she left for good and will not be coming back.

I need to recharge and refocus in order to keep moving.  This is a simple matter of survival.  After 5 intense years of caregiving I am depleted of energy and only have the barest of essentials to sustain myself.  I’ve lost 7 pounds – which is a lot for me – and am in a true and deep depression.  I am not relieved that she is gone – rather, I am sad, confused, and worried.  Not a word was spoken to me when she left – she simply packed a few things and vanished.  I deserved at least a “goodbye,” I think.

So, in order to maintain that smile, mind, and body which you all love, I need to vanish myself for a little while and get back on my feet.  I will be staying at the equivalent of a monastery and will be quietly reflecting on the good and bad that I have done so that I can be the best person I can be for whatever comes next.  Remember – schizophrenia is a mental illness and my significant other did nothing wrong.  I’m not saying I deserved what I got, but rather it was a situation through which we both suffered equally and she and I need this time to recover.  I will be back, I promise.  I love you all!

Entry Filed under: Uncategorized

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Adam  |  January 26, 2014 at 4:24 pm

    And we love you, thoughts and prayers Nikki!

    • 2. sexyknees  |  January 27, 2014 at 12:49 pm

      Hi Adam! It is really good to hear from you. Please do keep me in your thoughts and prayers. This is the most pain I have ever experienced, and I have seen a lot of death. We all look back and see all the things we did wrong and how we could have done better, I am no different. But there are aspects to this that are so uncommon I am not sure how many people can actually relate. It makes it hard to deal. I feel utterly and completely alone, even when surrounded by people who are experiencing the same type of events. I’ll be okay – it will just take some exceptional coping skills.

  • 3. Kevin  |  January 27, 2014 at 3:04 am

    We love you Nikki. Stand tall.

    • 4. sexyknees  |  January 27, 2014 at 12:41 pm

      Thank you so very much, Mike. I really appreciate it!


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