Seeking Advice

December 20, 2013 sexyknees

Nikki 13

Hello my dear fans!  Most of the time I present informative posts to help others (including my book for which this blog site was created).  This time I come to you with a dilemma of my own and hope that someone out there may have some answers for me.

As you know, my significant other befell a terrible mental disorder called schizophrenia.  We met 7 years ago and for the first three we were perfect.  We made people sick with how wonderful we got along.  Then, she was misdiagnosed with having ADHD and prescribed medication which set off her schizophrenia.  It started with bizarre outbursts and completely inaccurate recollections of events.  Finally, two years ago, she became full-blown psychotic which ended when she was hospitalized.  During this entire time I stood by her faithfully and had her back.  Most others would have left.  It was terrible.  Now, she is on the road to recovery as she is properly medicated.  I am so very happy the she is finally well!

Now for the bad news :  my s/o moved out a few days ago.  This was completely out of the blue.  She arrived with her parents – who blocked me from talking to her – picked up her belongings and left.  We’ve been speaking, but it seems that she believes that I did nothing to help her and that her parents were her saviors (who could do very little).  I received the screaming and beatings, worked with her doctors, dealt with the police, filed involuntary commitment papers, visited her every day at the hospital, protected her image, and ran myself into the ground in a 4 year battle to get her the help she needed.  I don’t know why I have been demonized.  I’d like to know what you think of this.  I am lost and confused.  Not the Christmas present for which I was hoping!    

The most tragic and traumatic part of this entire event –  one of which no one knew until now (because I don’t talk about it) – is that it feels that I have watched my s/o die 3 times.  The first version of her – the one with whom I fell in love – died 4 years ago when she was misdiagnosed and given medication which made her personality change.  The second version died when she became psychotic.  The third version died when she was finally diagnosed and prescribed the proper meds.  Now the current version – the one who is medicated and in recovery – is someone entirely new as well.  It is hard to explain how incredibly painful it is to watch the person you love disappear forever three times in almost as many years.  None of the versions of her were the same, even in appearance.  They were all completely different.  And each time one would die I would have to get to know the new one all over again.  Most of my frustration with her wasn’t her fault, it was me getting to know the stranger in my home – someone I didn’t fall in love with – and had to learn and accept an entirely new personality.     

I am not the only one who is suffering this dilemma.  In fact, I am sure it is a very common problem when it comes to caregivers and mental  illness.  I just need to know why this is happening and what I should do.  And, as always, whatever wisdom you share will help others who are facing similar complications.  Thank you all for being there for me!

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5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Adam  |  December 20, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    Thoughts and prayers with you Nikki as you enter the holidays with these events and news.

    • 2. sexyknees  |  December 28, 2013 at 6:17 pm

      Thank you so very much, Adam. Though the holiday has been sad, hearing from you and my other friends has kept me going. Thank you and happy holidays!!!

  • 3. Bill FootCrazy  |  December 27, 2013 at 5:09 pm

    Nikki, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG !!! The only thing we can do is be there for our loved ones through thick and thin and even if they blame us for problems we have to still be there for when they do want and need us. I know its hard but stay strong and know we love you 🙂

    • 4. sexyknees  |  December 28, 2013 at 6:15 pm

      Thank you so very, very much, Bill. I really needed to hear what you had to say. Though my last post was a bit rosier than the previous one, it was still a very sad Christmas. I understand that schizophrenia is an illness which is very hard to control, but knowledge doesn’t prevent heartache. That being said, reading uplifting posts such as yours really eases the pain. Thank you, Bill – you did me a lot of good today!

  • 5. Leefosy Jar-Barf  |  August 7, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    I was diagnosed with “paranoid Schizophrenia”, meth-amphetamine induced…Was put on Seroquel for 3 months…That was in ’04…I did my own personal cleansing…


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