Nikki on: Guilt

August 10, 2011 sexyknees

Guilty of guilt?

This is a tough topic for me.  Although you might see me as a slightly uptight, highly opinionated, yet upbeat and happy person, I actually carry with me an unbearably heavy load of guilt from past deeds both intentional and accidental.  I am incredibly loving and caring, but that does not mean I always treat others as such.  I make mistakes just like everyone else – the big difference being that I beat myself up for decades afterwards even if I am forgiven.

To give you an idea of the burden I place upon myself, I provide you with the following examples:  I still ache from not speaking to a really friendly girl whom had an interest in me in the 7th grade – not because I didn’t like her, but rather because I was shy and did not know what to say.  I still anguish over the squirrel I squished with my car in 1993.  I cry in my sleep over having to return a pound puppy in 1988 because I became financially incapable of taking proper care of her.  I bear a deep sense of atonement for the bunny I had to give away in 1998 due to the horrible allergies he gave me.  I am scarred by my lack of empathy and compassion when an elderly man came to my counter at a department store and said that he felt like ending it all, and I was so confused by his words that I failed to comprehend their possible meaning – I can still see his face as clearly today as I did 16 years ago.  And the grand-prize winner is my oldest brother, whom passed away many, many years ago and left me with a deep ocean of regret for not spending more time with him when I had the chance.  Some of these are small parcels of guilt and others large, but to me they all weigh the same on my soul.

I wish I had advice to give you on this issue, but in truth I am turning to you, my wonderful fans, for a hand.  Send me your thoughts on healthy ways which I – and anyone else whom shares my affliction – can go about forgiving myself and letting go.  After all this time here on Earth, I still have no clue how to effectively deal with my guilt.  It is my shadow – a dark reminder that I have a long way to go before I become the good person I need to be.  Sad, huh?

Entry Filed under: Uncategorized

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. GARGANTA PROFUNDA  |  August 11, 2011 at 9:05 am


  • 3. thefakekyle  |  August 23, 2011 at 2:38 am

    wow Nikki, i think everyone (except maybe sociopaths) has guilt, but your final bit of guilt is something that would weigh heavily on anyone. i think you should remind yourself that you might not have been able to spend as much time with your brother as you would have liked, you were still able to spend quailty time with him. It is certian he is in heaven and looking down with a lot of pride in you, and your giving heart.
    finally, in terms of the blanketed feeling of guilt, always remember that you did what you felt you could, and you should never feel guilty about doing that. it is more then what other’s have done in the world.

    • 4. sexyknees  |  September 6, 2011 at 5:28 pm

      Thank you so very much. Your words truly touched me and I deeply appreciate it. You are a wonderful person!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Trackback this post  |  Subscribe to comments via RSS Feed

Flickr Photos

%d bloggers like this: