I recently found out that my s/o may be getting a job. I know that this may seem insignificant, but believe me, it is a major achievement in restoring herself back to normal life. It takes an incredible amount of courage to go through what she experienced and face the world again. If you know someone who has been diagnosed with a mental illness and is trying to get back on his/her feet, give him/or her a big hug and provide all the encouragement you can muster. I am certain it will make a huge difference in his/her day and will eventually turn those little steps into big strides. My love goes out to everyone who suffers from a mental disorder. I believe in you!!!!!!!
PS: The previous three photos are from the best shoot of my career – the pictures turned out perfectly and we all had a lot of fun. Thank you Danny and Hairy!
1 comment March 4, 2014
I have one thing to say about prescription medications: I hate them. I hate them for the following three reasons:
1) It is an inordinately profit-oriented monopoly which leaves many in need without the treatment they deserve due to economic deficiency.
2) I’ve known too many friends who have become addicted to prescription meds even though taken properly.
3) Though absolutely necessary, they sometimes do more harm than good in the treatment of a disease or condition.
Though I can go into detail about all three of my gripes, I will limit this post to just my recent experiences. When my significant other started taking medication for her schizophrenia my reaction was not annoyance, but rather befuddlement. The medication they prescribed controlled her symptoms, but changed her reactions so significantly that I had no idea how to read her emotions. This led to many complications between her and me. She was lucky in that it only took two attempts to get her medication right. My brother didn’t fare as well – it took him 10 meds and pretty much the same number of years to get his chemical “cocktail” correct.
During the 4 1/2 years that my s/o was ill I went out of my way to get to know many people of her age group and older in order to better understand her condition and what she was experiencing. Since she couldn’t expand on her predicament I had to guess, but my “helpers” did a fantastic job giving me pointers regardless of the particular disorder. The major complication was that there was no formal diagnosis until the very end, so though I had a good idea from what she suffered, I could not be sure until after the doctors were able to spend time with her. Though everyone’s experience was completely and utterly unique, the one common thread was their complaint about meds. To a person they all griped about how it changed the way they thought and behaved, so much so in many cases that they preferred the condition over the medicinal side effects!
Once my significant other left, my doctor insisted that I take anti-depressants. Though I have experience with anti-anxiety meds (which are much like drinking a half-glass of wine) I had no concept of the effect of ADs. After going through 7 – that’s right…7 – different anti-depressants in a 2 month period we finally found one which didn’t make me want to sleep all day, kill all humans, or render me comatose. Still, I find that my reactions to people and situations are significantly different. I appear to be angry but am actually just zoning. I slur my speech so I seem drunk half of the time. When I am happy, I come across as indifferent. These are basically the kind of emotional crossed signals which my s/o was giving during the first few months on her medication – no wonder why things were so confusing for us both!!!
Now that I have experienced prescription medications from the other side of the fence I have a much deeper understanding of not only what my significant other was having to suffer, but that of anyone currently taking meds with similar side effects (which seem to be most of them). As such, I can recommend the following: if you know someone who must take medication for any psychological disorder PLEASE BE PATIENT. The person you know may not act or think the way you expect, even if you have known him/her for years. They need your strength to get them through the worst part of acclimating to the his/her new chemistry, and the process may be lengthy. Give him/her all the love and encouragement you can provide as he/she will need every bit of it to get back on his/her feet. As always, feel free to write me for any advice!
1 comment March 4, 2014
I wish to thank all of you for your undying support. You have helped me navigate and survive the most troubling time of my life. Your efforts are deeply appreciated and I love you all!
As you know, my significant other suffers from schizophrenia – a severely dibilitating mental disorder from which there is no recovery. Providing care for someone who has this disease is incredibly difficult and traumatic, especially pre-diagnosis. I am no stranger to mental disorders, but this one makes all of my other experiences pale by comparison. Make no mistake, schizophrenia is dangerous but it is important to stand fast – no matter what complications you may face – and get your loved one the help required in order for him/her to live a normal life. As I have said before, they need you more than you will ever know (though at times it may seem they don’t want you at all).
Since my significant other departed I have been left with a lingering depression and a great sense of loss – I never got the chance to say “goodbye.” I also suffer from anxiety which is a result of never knowing which personality I would be facing from one minute to the next.
There is good coming out of all this, however. My experiences are being used to help others and my s/o is living a much happier life, so it is not a complete loss. If you or someone you know suffers from mental disease, depression, and/or anxiety I welcome you to contact me if you need advice or someone with whom to speak. Don’t make the same mistake I did and get support early – you can’t do this alone. It is always best to reach me at my regular email address as I rarely check this one: email@example.com.
Remember: mental disease no different than any other illness. There is no reason to be ashamed or to treat someone differently due to a disorder. Though my s/o has schizophrenia she is still a wonderful, beautiful, loving, and kind-hearted person. She is not the disease and neither is anyone else who suffers from mental illness. People are people – some just need a little more help to make it through the day.
In closing, please help the mentally ill by supporting local initiatives and care centers. There are many clinics which operate free of charge in order to provide assistance to those in need. By helping them you will be making the world a better place and will have my sincerest appreciation!
PS: the above photo was taken by Hairy and Chaps of Powder Springs, GA.
10 comments February 26, 2014
Hi everyone! As you know, I have been suffering from depression due to extended caregiving followed by the loss of my significant other. Additionally, my dad had a heart attack last week. So far, 2014 has not been a great year.
That being said, I am slowly but surely getting out of my funk and am ready to re-engage in modeling – the good, clean, and profitable kind! I am still slated to do some clothing promos for a few companies both in NC and GA, for which I am eternally happy and grateful (thanks, guys). So keep an eye on my page – I will be back in just a bit!
Again, thank you so much for being such wonderful fans. You supported me through the worst period of my life and I owe a significant debt of gratitude to you for helping me see this through. You are all loved!
6 comments February 19, 2014
Before I go, I wish to ask one final question: why? My significant other has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met. She has more love to give to the world than all of us put together. Why would someone this good…this great…be given one of the worst illnesses on the planet? With Ebola you die…quickly. With Alzheimer’s the victim is typically old and has had the opportunity to live a long and fruitful life. My s/o is only 25 and her illness will only get worse. It seems horribly unfair. So…for my peace of mind…I ask that you ponder this while I am away, see if you can make sense of this, and leave me answers. I’ll be back soon!
4 comments January 27, 2014
Hi everyone! I know that this will come as no great surprise, but I will be taking a small break from the world as I recover from the loss of my significant other. As you know, she suffers from a severe form of schizophrenia and over the past 5 years I have been mourning her “death” after she permanently changed both her personality and physical appearance…three times. Finally, a little over a month ago, she left for good and will not be coming back.
I need to recharge and refocus in order to keep moving. This is a simple matter of survival. After 5 intense years of caregiving I am depleted of energy and only have the barest of essentials to sustain myself. I’ve lost 7 pounds – which is a lot for me – and am in a true and deep depression. I am not relieved that she is gone – rather, I am sad, confused, and worried. Not a word was spoken to me when she left – she simply packed a few things and vanished. I deserved at least a “goodbye,” I think.
So, in order to maintain that smile, mind, and body which you all love, I need to vanish myself for a little while and get back on my feet. I will be staying at the equivalent of a monastery and will be quietly reflecting on the good and bad that I have done so that I can be the best person I can be for whatever comes next. Remember – schizophrenia is a mental illness and my significant other did nothing wrong. I’m not saying I deserved what I got, but rather it was a situation through which we both suffered equally and she and I need this time to recover. I will be back, I promise. I love you all!
4 comments January 26, 2014
We all have our limits when it comes to coping. As of late I have encountered difficulty with caregiving, managing stress, and dealing with the knowledge that the actions I have taken hurt my significant other. It is hard to find good coping skills when it involves pain you have caused a loved one. I am angry at myself for being so foolish and selfish. You think you are doing the best you can, but hindsight always reveals that you could have done much better. And when your battery is low – or worse, dry – it becomes very difficult to manage your thoughts and feelings.
Fortunately, there are plenty of resources to help you through difficult times. As you know, I am a firm believer in therapy, NA, NAMI, and, most recently, anger management classes. I will even be attending a retreat for loss and healing in the near future. We can all do better – the trick is to recognize when you need help and seek assistance before any damage is done. A good rule of thumb is when that little voice in the back of your head whispers that you are doing wrong, assume it is true. I ignored my little voice, even when it was screaming, and sailed on while telling myself that staying the course and seeing things through was the only option. Even though this is generally true (excluding glaring exceptions like Little Big Horn, Vietnam, and Soviet Afghanistan), always remember that every ship needs to deviate when there’s an iceberg ahead (Titanic).
So, do what I do and find support groups which suit your needs and go to the meetings regularly. Listen to others’ experiences as you will gain plenty of coping skills from those who have already endured your torment. Most importantly, learn from your mistakes so that you do not repeat them!
3 comments January 10, 2014
Do you believe in time travel? Do you think it is possible to turn the clock back and explore history? If so, what would you do? Where would you go? Would you hunt dinosaurs or hang with Jesus? Or would you visit your past self and warn yourself of the mistakes you were about to make?
Personally, I believe that everything happens for a reason, and no matter how painful the experience it is important to endure and grow from it. Of course, we always have a choice. We can either see things through and hold fast to the belief that everything will be okay, or we can delve into our fears and take a darker, different path.
I have made many, many mistakes both great and small. I am happy for each and every one as collectively they brought me to the here and now. One missed stop light or one wrong turn would have drastically altered my course. That being said, I am pretty sure that, given the chance, I would visit my past self and warn me about the choices I would make over the past 7 years, cautioning for better judgement (my significant other deserved far better than what she got).
I’d like to hear your thoughts about this issue and what you would change. For those of you who wish to read about non-scientific examples of supposed or claimed time travel please check out the following link: http://www.trutv.com/conspiracy/paranormal/time-travelers/gallery.html
4 comments January 3, 2014
I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few years talking about how difficult it has been for me to endure my significant other’s mental illness. Little has been said about how much she has suffered.
First, I am not an angel. I got irritable. I got rude. I got angry. I was scared and confused. There is no playbook for how to deal with a loved one’s descent into psychosis. No matter how much support you may have, how many books you read, or doctors with whom you talk, you and your significant other are in it alone both as a couple as well as individuals. No one else will ever truly understand what you are going through or how to help.
Second, my girlfriend was more alone and confused than I could ever imagine. Even though I was there for her and trying to help, she was suffering her illness all by herself. She was terrified. Additionally, there is the social stigma that goes along with having a mental disorder. Though I made sure that people understood what was happening, it does not prevent her from feeling embarrassed and ashamed for her behavior.
The both of us did the best we could, and have learned and grown from our experience. What I can share with you is that if you have a loved one who has a mental disorder, please be sure to be patient and understanding, no matter how difficult the situation. At times you will reach the end of your rope, as did I many times, but your loved one needs you – much more than he/she will ever say. Stay the course and never give up. Though he/she may leave you in the end, at least you will know that you probably saved his/her life.
1 comment January 2, 2014
First of all, I wish to thank everyone for your support. You are all loved and appreciated! As for my recent upset, I have some news. I write this in expectation that my experience will help others who are going through a similar situation.
In my previous post I mentioned that my significant other moved out unexpectedly. I thought that she was angry with me and upset about the nature of our relationship. After some discussion I understood that it was a simple matter of self-preservation. People who suffer from schizophrenia need structure – a daily routing relatively free of stress. The problem with my home and lifestyle is that there is very little structure and quite a bit of stress due to financial limitations, etc. My s/o needed to leave in order to avoid a recurrence of her symptoms, which I completely understand.
I made an assessment based on observation, which isn’t always a great idea. Things are going on in people’s heads which cannot be seen. So, if your significant other is suffering from a mental disorder it is important to have completely open communication so that misunderstandings can be avoided. If he or she is currently psychotic, however, there is very little you can glean from conversation, so you have little choice but to rely on observation. Since I have not fully accepted my s/o’s recovery, it makes sense that I was still operating with my former mindset. This time apart will give me an opportunity to get to know my girlfriend again, and the distance will help keep things in perspective.
So, my suggestion to fellow caregivers is to proceed with caution. Your s/o may or may not be able to relay his or her feelings adequately, which may lead to unexpected and/or unpleasant outcomes. He/she needs your love, support, and understanding. Be patient and at the ready to help him/her however you can – trust me when I say that you are very much needed and dropping the ball is not an option. Hang in there!
PS: The above photo was taken immediately after I arrived at a recent holiday party. Its hard to keep up appearances when you are worried, so I apologize for the lack of quality!
4 comments December 22, 2013
Hello my dear fans! Most of the time I present informative posts to help others (including my book for which this blog site was created). This time I come to you with a dilemma of my own and hope that someone out there may have some answers for me.
As you know, my significant other befell a terrible mental disorder called schizophrenia. We met 7 years ago and for the first three we were perfect. We made people sick with how wonderful we got along. Then, she was misdiagnosed with having ADHD and prescribed medication which set off her schizophrenia. It started with bizarre outbursts and completely inaccurate recollections of events. Finally, two years ago, she became full-blown psychotic which ended when she was hospitalized. During this entire time I stood by her faithfully and had her back. Most others would have left. It was terrible. Now, she is on the road to recovery as she is properly medicated. I am so very happy the she is finally well!
Now for the bad news : my s/o moved out a few days ago. This was completely out of the blue. She arrived with her parents – who blocked me from talking to her – picked up her belongings and left. We’ve been speaking, but it seems that she believes that I did nothing to help her and that her parents were her saviors (who could do very little). I received the screaming and beatings, worked with her doctors, dealt with the police, filed involuntary commitment papers, visited her every day at the hospital, protected her image, and ran myself into the ground in a 4 year battle to get her the help she needed. I don’t know why I have been demonized. I’d like to know what you think of this. I am lost and confused. Not the Christmas present for which I was hoping!
The most tragic and traumatic part of this entire event – one of which no one knew until now (because I don’t talk about it) – is that it feels that I have watched my s/o die 3 times. The first version of her – the one with whom I fell in love – died 4 years ago when she was misdiagnosed and given medication which made her personality change. The second version died when she became psychotic. The third version died when she was finally diagnosed and prescribed the proper meds. Now the current version – the one who is medicated and in recovery – is someone entirely new as well. It is hard to explain how incredibly painful it is to watch the person you love disappear forever three times in almost as many years. None of the versions of her were the same, even in appearance. They were all completely different. And each time one would die I would have to get to know the new one all over again. Most of my frustration with her wasn’t her fault, it was me getting to know the stranger in my home – someone I didn’t fall in love with – and had to learn and accept an entirely new personality.
I am not the only one who is suffering this dilemma. In fact, I am sure it is a very common problem when it comes to caregivers and mental illness. I just need to know why this is happening and what I should do. And, as always, whatever wisdom you share will help others who are facing similar complications. Thank you all for being there for me!
4 comments December 20, 2013
As you know, I am quite familiar with hedonistic activities of every sort, including recreational use of drugs. That being said, in an attempt to better myself as well as to set a good example for others I have joined the ranks of the clean and sober.
Drug use is common. Even alcohol is considered a drug and can have just as detrimental an effect on one’s life as methamphetamies if abused. I get that everyone needs an escape – just be sure to practice moderation. If you are a newbie, abstinence is your best option – trust me on this.
I used to love getting high and having sex. It was awesome! However, it pales in comparison to a sober rendezvous when you can use all of your assets, feel everything, and remember the whole event the next day. Also, sober sex tends to keep you from doing ridiculously dangerous activities which you would never do if in your right mind.
This has not been an easy path for me to take. The reason I chose the above outfit is because it was my last “uniform” of choice before I began using…15 years ago. It all began as an adventure – to add a spark to what was already mind-blowing. After a while, however, the drugs became the primary focus of my outings rather than exploring and learning. My mission – to understand myself and others and to help others understand the transgendered – took a back seat and remained there for close to a decade. Coming back took a lot of effort and the help of friends and family – especially my significant other. I finally re-examined my goals which lead to my book, Sexy Knees. Though it seems to glorify my use of drugs and pursuit of rampant sex, it is actually a collection of cautionary tales, any of which could have gone horribly wrong – I was just lucky. My message in Sexy Knees is to explore and be yourself, but not do what I did.
Has abstinence made me a boring person? Not at all! I still have adventures – I’m just choosing safety over recklessness just as much as one would choose wearing a parachute over jumping out of a plane onto a pile of pillows. Also, it is more important for me to remain sober and take care of my s/o than traipse into the night on a drug-crazed bender!
So here I am, a fob-carrying member of N/A. I am not perfect – in fact, I am deeply flawed and full of contradictions. That being said, I always try to do the right thing, even if it takes me years to complete the process. If you are interested in N/A (www.na.org) or are an addict and just need someone with whom to talk, please contact me: firstname.lastname@example.org. I look forward to hearing from you!
2 comments December 3, 2013
First, I wish you a happy belated Thanksgiving and wonderful holiday season!!! I also wish to apologize for my most recent disappearance. As you know my mentally ill significant other was involuntarily committed and was released in early October. I am happy to report that she is almost back to normal – its just a matter of her getting to know herself again as the past 10 years have been a blur. I have spent most of my time helping her readjust to home life but now that she is well I am finally able to get back into my routine. Yay!
Now, to my topic of discussion. I was perusing the White House website and was happy to find the following article announcing November 20th as Transgendered Day of Remembrance. This day is intended to provide the public an opportunity to remember those who have lost their lives to violence and injustice because of their gender identity or gender expression. I was both surprised and happy to know that president Obama has taken an interest in the plight of the LGBT community!
As you may know, President Obama signed the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd Jr. Hate Crime Prevention Act four years ago, which greatly expanded the federal government’s ability to prosecute hate crimes. The law marked the first time that the words, “sexual orientation” and “gender identity” appeared in the U.S. Code, and enables the Justice Department to prosecute in certain circumstances hate crimes committed because of a person’s actual or perceived race, color, religion, national origin, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, or disability.
Additionally, earlier this year President Obama signed the reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) that included critical protections for transgender people and for the broader LGBT community. The legislation removed barriers faced by LGBT victims of domestic violence and sexual assault, whose needs are often overlooked by law enforcement, prosecutors, courts, and victim service providers. It also included three provisions that would help LGBT victims of domestic violence and sexual assault access VAWA-funded services:
- First, the law added a LGBT-focused purpose area to the STOP Violence Against Women Formula Grant program, the largest VAWA program and the one that supports law enforcement, prosecution, court and victim service activities in every State.
- Second, the law amended the Act’s definition of “underserved population” to recognize that LGBT victims face barriers to service.
- Third, the law protects LGBT victims from discrimination by prohibiting discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity in VAWA-funded programs or activities.
This commitment to equality for all members of the LGBT community extends internationally, where the Obama Administration continues to promote and protect the human rights of LGBT persons. For example, at the United Nations the United States is standing up for the rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals and fighting to ensure that their voices are heard and protected. I, for one, deeply appreciate this initiative.
So, although a few weeks late, I ask you to join me in celebrating Transgendered Remembrance Day by taking action to ensure that the LGBT community world-wide receives the protection and respect it needs and deserves. I also wish to encourage that you do whatever you can to help protect both women and children whose needs are just as imperative. Finally, please write the White House and express thanks for these important actions. Thank you again for being my fans!
I didn’t write much of the above, by the way. I simply cut and pasted from the White House site – they said it better. I hope you don’t mind! For those who wish to read more, here is the link to the White House page: http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2013/11/20/marking-transgender-day-remembrance-0
Add a comment December 3, 2013
As you know, my significant other and I just went through a 4-year ordeal with her decline into severe mental illness. Her particular disorder – schizophrenia – is highly debilitating and may include the following signs and symptoms:
- Difficulty speaking
- Loss of interest in everyday activities
- Appearing to lack emotion
- Reduced ability to plan or carry out activities
- Neglect of personal hygiene
- Social withdrawal
- Loss of motivation
- Problems with making sense of information
- Difficulty paying attention
- Memory problems
At first I was deeply concerned about her ability to survive. Once she was involuntarily committed (which was the most difficult and traumatic experience of my life) my concern was completely focused on ensuring that her treatment was successful. Due to a lack of insurance my s/o was left in the hands of the state which, at the time, was a scary prospect. For almost a week she had to sit in the equivalent of a mental health prison cell while awaiting an available bed at one of the public facilities – the number of which was reduced by half due to budget cuts.
Fortunately and contrary to popular belief, state mental hospitals are not the terror-filler torture dens featured in movies such as “House on Haunted Hill,” or in TV shows like “Asylum.” The facility to which my significant other was assigned was bright, the staff cheerful and competent, and the medical care incredibly thorough and effective. I could not be happier and am certain that her treatment would not have been as successful at a private hospital (which would have cost us well over $1,200 a day). I say this because private facilities seem to focus on making money rather than curing the illness (we saw this first hand during my s/o’s first commitment – she was kicked out after only 3 days even though her symptoms were highly visible). So, for those of you who need medical care and are financially limited, I can honestly say that you are in good hands if you allow the state to help you.
After the release of my s/o two month later, my attention was turned towards the ugly prospect of not being able to afford her continued medical care (yes, I am poor). This fear was unfounded. We were directed to readily available programs offered by both the state and UNC medical system which enable those of us who are financially deprived the ability to enjoy dedicated medical care at a fraction of the cost. Two examples are as follows:
Charity Care and Pharmacy Assistance – both of which may be found at the following site: http://www.unchealthcare.org/site/healthpatientcare/patient/other/financial.htm
So please do not worry, my penniless brothers and sisters, the system works and is there to help you through troubled times. Feel free to contact me for details as I am always happy to help!!!
PS: I will be launching a campaign to pressure the government to put more funds into the mental health system. It would be an honor to have you join me!
2 comments October 17, 2013
Part of my return to modeling is to be the spokesgirl for the launching of my friend’s 36′ long replica of the Nautilus from Disney’s 1954 film, “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.” This is a fully-publicized event outside Atlanta, GA, complete with major news and magazine coverage. My part of this nautical gala is to be atop the vessel in a designer bikini as it is floated for the first and last time on October 19, 2013. Please access the following Facebook site for further information:
I am deeply honored to have been selected to represent Danny’s work and wish to fulfill my obligation as his spokesmodel. The past few years have been an economic disaster due to my significant other’s debilitating mental illness, so funding the trip so soon after her return from the hospital will be difficult. I ask of you, my wonderful fans, to please donate to my modeling fundraising site at GoFundMe.com: http://www.gofundme.com/4jxtcg
I thank you in advance for your help. Every little bit counts, so even if it is a few dollars I will be deeply appreciative for your support!!!
1 comment September 29, 2013
I wish to thank all of my friends and fans for your undying support during my recent crisis. As you know, my significant other was struck by a very debilitating mental illness known as schizophrenia. This disorder of the mind rendered her completely incapable of functioning due to her catatonic state. It has been both a terrifying and utterly depressing experience.
What you don’t know about my significant other is that she is a brilliant and extremely talented person with a heart of gold, and was a highly-sought model prior to her descent into schizophrenia – all of which changed two years ago. She stopped washing her hair, began talking with people who weren’t in the room, got enraged over experiences which never happened, and shunned all of her friends and family. Her mental disorder transformed her completely and thoroughly. I frequently found her crying quietly during moments of clarity, realizing how she was falling apart – it was the most heart-breaking thing I had ever witnessed. Thankfully, after spending almost 2 months in a hospital, everything is slowly going back to normal. She will always need medication, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I could not have done this without your help. You are all my very close friends and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Whether it was financial, material (food), or emotional support, you carried me during the most difficult and trying time of my life and saw me through to the end. You are the best fans for which anyone could possibly hope. I am here to return the favor if you ever need me. Thank you!!!
PS: A great friend suggested that – now since my crisis is almost over – I set up a fundraising site so I can get back into modeling and continue my “Up Late” internet show. If you care to donate you can access the page at the following link:
I am also selling autographed 8 x 10 modelling photos for $22 each (which includes postage). Pick any picture of me which you like (non-pornographic) and I will print, sign and mail it to you! Contact me at email@example.com for details.
Add a comment September 29, 2013
This may sound dark, but it’s actually uplifting. We choose to see the world through our own filters. Is the glass half full or half empty? Do you see where I am going with this? Every misfortune we suffer, every setback, every loss can be viewed as either good or bad depending upon our outlook. It has been my observation that those who choose to see the glass as half full live longer and, more importantly, happier lives than those who prefer the dark side. It is so easy to get lost in our misery…too easy, actually.
A good friend of mine has been suicidal over the loss of a loved one and I grieve for her. What she does not see is that her depression has guided her towards a time of self-growth and awareness, as well as engage in new activities which she would have ignored otherwise – she has become an entirely new person over the past few months. Will she choose to recognize and capitalize upon this progress or ignore it and sink further into the abyss? Let us hope for the latter but it is no one else’s choice but hers.
Personally, I have been suffering from the degradation of my significant other’s mental health. It is a traumatizing and agonizing situation for us both. It would be easy to scream “why me?” and depress ourselves by focusing on the negative. However, she has targeted her illness and is spending all of her time fighting this disease while I have been completely engaged in both supporting her as well as my endeavor to make the world a better place. Our choice to fight for our beliefs, to always try to do what is right, and to fill our hearts with love and hope is the difference between giving up and being a hero.
So my advice to you is be a hero. It is easier than you think! You don’t need to stop a terrorist or end global warming. All you need to do is continue to fight for what you believe and choose to see the good in things. Never give up…never surrender. You will find that even during the darkest of times you will find beauty and heaven everywhere you look!
Add a comment September 26, 2013
Today I am honoring the 2,977 victims of the 9/11 attacks – you will not be forgotten. I also wish to thank the US military, clandestine services, and law enforcement community for protecting America from further harm ever since that fateful day. We are a good and strong nation and have only grown as a result of the terrorists’ attempt to weaken our resolve. A brief glance at our history will show that antagonizing the United States will result in an overwhelming response with one inevitable outcome (with the exception of Vietnam and Somalia). Let us work together as a country to ensure that another 9/11 – whether it be from foreign or domestic sources – never happens again. Stay vigilant, America, and God bless!
Add a comment September 12, 2013
I apologize for not being as attentive to my blog as I had once been. As you know, my significant other has been suffering from a severe mental illness which began to get much worse over the past 4 months. She has required almost all of my attention, which has made it difficult to maintain my momentum on modeling, promoting my book, working on my show, and other endeavors which you have all enjoyed following. Not to worry! My girlfriend is getting proper medical attention, which means all will be back on track as soon as she returns.
As I have mentioned before, mental illness is no different than any other disease. It may be scary, especially if you are unprepared to deal with it, but it is definitely manageable and something which need not disrupt your life. Medication has improved so much in recent years that those with formerly incapacitating disorders such as schizophrenia can now enjoy normal, productive lives.
Lifestyle is definitely an issue and should you or your significant other have a mental disorder you may wish to examine how your daily activities may be structured to make accommodating it easier. For instance, I have been working hard on getting my home and schedule arranged so that my girlfriend will have a more comfortable and less stressful environment. Yes, changing the way you live for the betterment of a loved one may be disruptive, but it is definitely worth the effort if it helps him/her get healthy.
Special emphasis must be paid to ridding your home of illegal substances as this is almost always detrimental – many who suffer from mental illness tend to self-medicate. Eliminating exposure increases the chance that treatment will be successful. I know that this may be hard, but it can me done. Whether it be through such wonderful support groups such as Narcotics Anonymous or – if you aren’t ready to quit – by simply going elsewhere to have your fun, a drug-free environment will go far in helping your loved one get his/her life back on track.
As you know, I entered into my lifestyle both intentionally and with a plan – everything I’ve experienced was done by choice to learn, explore, and enjoy. I realize, however, that my methodology is uncommon. That being said, whether by accident or design my wisdom is relevant to most problems and issues, and I am here to help you with anything. I am focusing on mental health a lot simply because it is something with which I am currently involved, but I am with you and willing to discuss anything you wish. Please call on me – I am here for you!!!
10 comments September 8, 2013
As many of you might have guessed, I am not perpetually 24 (or whatever age to which I always lay claim). Without getting too specific, I am something closer to Catherine Zeta-Jones than Taylor Swift. Typically, when I reveal my actual age very few people believe me as I look so young. My 20-ish complexion has kept me in the modeling game a lot longer than most, and I would like to pass on a few tips to help you look just as youthful.
A large part of my freakish “Dorian Gray” anti-aging secret is simply good genes. Being half-Japanese really helps (as well as that portrait I keep hidden in my attic). Beyond this non-helpful tidbit I do have a few actual suggestions which you may find useful.
1) Don’t do as I do and avoid tanning. Whether it be the sun or a bed, either will do damage to your skin and age you prematurely.
2) Moisturize frequently! Find a good moisturizer and use it every time you take a shower (or more). Pay particular attention to typically dry areas such as your hands, feet, elbows, and knees. I prefer Aveeno Daily Moisturizing Lotion, which costs about $8, but Target and Kroger produce knock-offs which are just as good for about half the price.
3) Prevention is really the name of the game. If you take care of your skin it will stay youthful-looking for far longer than if you continue to ignore it. Many companies are now offering anti-aging products and most of them are good. I tend to stick with Estee, which offers a trio of items which I have recently purchased and have been very satisfied. I use Advanced Night Repair to prevent wrinkles, Time Zone face moisturizer, and Time Zone eye creme – all of which cost me about $150 every three months. That being said, Loreal, Revlon, and other pocketbook-friendly brands have created similar products and am sure they are just as effective.
4) Drink plenty of water. Like most people, I don’t drink near enough water, which is especially bad since I live in eastern North Carolina where it frequently reaches 100 degrees or more in the summer and can get almost as humid as Florida. You don’t have to go crazy, but definitely keep yourself hydrated.
5) Keep your lips moist. To maintain your luscious lips, use a balm such as Burt’s Bees or Blistex Lip Medex. I’ve been using Medex for over 15 years and my lips remain just as kissable as when I was a teen!
6) Avoid stress. Stress can kill you, plain and simple. Go to therapy, pick up a hobby, or do anything else which may help you avoid youth-crushing anxiety. Life will always present troubles, but worrying about your problems will not help you solve them. Maintaining a calm interior will go far in preventing your exterior from aging.
7) Exercise. Don’t overdo it, but definitely get outside and keep your body in shape. Sweating is good for you and will keep your pores clean.
8) Maintain a healthy diet. I used to eat a lot of McDonalds and other fast foods and consider myself lucky that I didn’t put on an extra 20 pounds in the past 5 years. The heaviest I have ever been was 135, and that was in the early 2000′s. These days I stay around 115 to 120, and at my height (5’4″) I think that is a good weight. This is all due to giving up bad food, not eating after 6pm, and making breakfast my biggest meal so I have plenty of time to work it off during the day. You don’t have to stay away from all unhealthy food, but try to moderate.
9) Sleep well. A good night’s rest will help you greatly in staying young at heart and in appearance. I am horrible about sleeping and do pretty much everything wrong. I go to bed around 1am, I leave the lights and television on, drink a lot of water before I bedtime, sleep on the couch, and typically eat a cookie or some other snack when I have to go pee. You can’t do worse than that. Additionally, due to all of the above, I get about two hours of real sleep per night. Nice, eh? You can do much better by not doing what I do – go to bed early, don’t eat or drink before bedtime (or after), turn off all lights and other electronic devices, and have a comfortable place to sleep.
I hope you find my advice helpful. I am only providing you suggestions which work for me – if you have something to offer which you believe is better than my anti-aging regimen please feel free to share!
3 comments August 2, 2013
I have been asked by a friend for years if he could tag along with me to a porn store so he could see the reaction we would get just walking around. Mind you – I haven’t been to a sex shop in a very long time except to sell my book, so this would be as much of an adventure for me as it would be for him. Finally, after a lot of prodding I agreed. We arrived at the store and upon walking through the front door the stalking began. It was both hilarious and sad. Men crept out from all the dark corners began following us and would stand around while my friend and I looked at movies. No one – not one of the 8 guys circling us like sharks – was brave enough to say “hello” to me. I’ll talk with anyone who speaks to me – all you have to do is be friendly. After about 15 minutes we departed – mission complete.
However, this is not where the adventure ends. My friend had the forethought of planning alternate routes to get back home just in case we were followed. He was right to do so as several cars took pursuit immediately after we let the porn store. Nothing seemed menacing, but still you can’t be too careful. Of note is that there is a parking lot across the street from the entrance of the store, making it easy for a stalker to watch everyone come and go. I was wearing one of my trademark stripper outfits (pictured), which would absolutely draw attention. It was from this parking lot that one of our followers began his chase. My friend noticed our trailers and took several side roads to make sure we were begin followed. They remained behind us so we were certain their presence was not by chance.
After several pre-planned attempts to lose our stalkers we concluded that they had been successfully evaded. Upon arriving back home we circled the apartment complex and all was clear. When we got back inside my home we laughed about the event. Of course, this evening’s adventure was nothing with which I was not accustomed. I have been followed a lot, and upon meeting some of these fellows all they wanted was to get to know me as they were too shy to approach me while I was in a store, etc. That being said, if you are a frequent porn store shopper, please be careful. People can be watching you from far away and tail you without your notice if you are not observant. Also, your tags can be run providing people with your name and address. Fun is fun, but you don’t want it to be in the form of a home invasion!
Finally, please remember that women experience this sort of attention all the time. Decrease the creep factor by avoiding following us and work on building self-confidence so that you can walk up and talk to someone whom you find attractive. You don’t have to strike up a conversation – a simple smile and “you look so pretty” would most likely brighten the person’s day.
PS: If you want to look sexy when out in public, be sure to wear more sensible shoes than the ones pictured above!
2 comments July 10, 2013
Today we celebrate our independence day – the day we cast off the yoke of British rule over the American colonies. From this momentous event sprang forth an idea of self government unseen in the world prior to and it has survived the test of time. With the birth of our nation the world began to change for the better, and with any luck will continue to do so. We have our faults, we have made bad decisions, we have been involved in our own atrocities – we are far from perfect, but we are able to learn from our mistakes and have grown from them. We are truly a great nation, and I am proud to be a part of it. Happy birthday, America!
Add a comment July 4, 2013
When I first started being Nikki I put so much thought and care into my appearance. Everything was model-perfect and camera-ready. Everything, that is, except for one small detail – my nails. For some reason I never paid much attention to them and as a result they suffered terribly. I am not a nail biter, but poor nutrition (as you have read, I love fast food) along with genetic imperfection made my nails my worst feature. For years my nails remained unhealthy. They were ridged and at times even concave (probably due to stress as I tend to rub my nails when anxious). It wasn’t until a transsexual friend of mine scoffed at them (in a friendly way) did I actually consider fixing the problem.
After a visit to my dermatologist – who provided no answers – I searched the market for a solution. There are many over-the-counter options, most of which are made by the brand Sally Hansen, but none did the trick. I improved my diet and avoided my stress habit, but still my nails remained unattractive. Finally, on an outing to Ulta, I found the magic cure which I had been seeking. It is a product in the nail polish section called Formula 2 Nail Protein by Nailtiques. Within 2 weeks of use my mails were just as camera-ready as the rest of me!
Formula number 2 is specific for my nail problem, being that they are weak and thin. You may require a 1 if your nails are healthy but need a little attention, or a 3 if they are hard and brittle. Whatever the condition of your nails, I highly recommend this product. With regular use you will find that you will not need acrylics for a show. You can model your birth nails with pride! And for you guys who are embarrassed about your nails but don’t want to sport a somewhat suspicious sheen on them, try putting on a coat when you get home and taking it off in the morning. I can’t promise that this method will work, but it is better than having split or peeling nails. Just make sure to use non-acetone polish remover, otherwise you will be undoing any improvement.
To close, the product is made by Nailtiques and can be found in the nail polish section section of Ulta. A small bottle will run you $10.00 – well worth the cost to have healthy finger and toe nails. Apply one coat per day – do not remove the previous application. I usually let it build up for 5 days then start over. I have used this product for 2 years and now no longer need it to have long, sexy nails for modeling events or dates. So go forth, sad nail people, and be done with hiding your hands in your pockets or keeping your feet be-socked while frolicking – a solution awaits you!
Add a comment June 29, 2013
Yes, its that time again! I’ll take a new photo for this post soon.
As you know, I have a very colorful past. Most of what I have done was in pursuit of adventure and/or pleasure. What remains unspoken are the things I have done for the red, white, and blue. I support the people and cultures of all nations, but America is my home and I will do anything to protect her.
In the past decade we have seen our servicemen and women depart our borders to engage in conflicts in foreign lands. Many have given their lives in the name of freedom, and we honor their sacrifice personally and through national holidays. We can send well-wishes to our sons and daughters in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, and Coast Guard via services such as CNN’s “Salute to Troops” and see their faces on blogs and Skype. Their medals can be announced publicly and their departure saluted by all.
What most of us don’t consider is that many sons and daughters serve America with a conviction just as strong as those in the armed services, but do so in silence and, in many cases, alone. They fight for our freedom with no fanfare, no glory, and without the knowledge of their loved ones. There is no holiday to honor their sacrifice, no public ceremony to award medals, and no names to be mentioned if their lives are lost. If they are lucky, they may wind up with a featureless star on the right wall above a book filled with empty lines.
The men and women of America’s clandestine services fight to protect our country more than you will ever know, and they do so without thanks or recognition. You only hear about their failures, never their successes. But let me assure you that they are hard at work 24 hours a day ensuring that we sleep well at night. We owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to them and I ask that you join me in extending them our thanks for a job well done. Trust me – many of us would not be here today if it weren’t for them.
Add a comment June 22, 2013
As you all know, my significant other is suffering from a yet-to-be-diagnosed mental illness. For those of you who have a friend or loved one who has a psychological disorder, you know full well how life can go from complicated to unbearable in the blink of an eye. I’ve watched the love of my life transition from a beautiful, talented, brilliant young woman into someone who is incapable of taking care of herself and barely recognizes me. Her life is full of people and memories which don’t exist outside her mind. It is both terrifying and tragic.
If you are going through a similar situation I want you to know that there are readily available resources which can make life easier. First, if you are in a crisis and need to call 911, be sure to ask for the CIT team. The CIT (Crisis Intervention) team is comprised of medical and law enforcement officers who have been instructed on how to handle psychiatric crises. The last thing any of us want is to watch our loved one being hauled away like a common criminal. A mental disorder is an illness, not a crime. These highly-trained officers will know how to handle a situation as gently as possible – I know as I had to call them once out of desperation. They were awesome (thanks, guys).
Additionally, there is NAMI – the National Alliance on Mental Illness (nami.org). This is a free service and is available to anyone who wishes to attend. The discussion groups are broken into two section – those who have a mental illness and those who are caretakers. The people who attend are wonderfully understanding as they are going through the same thing as you – you will instantly feel relieved knowing that you are not alone. After having attended a number of meetings I can honestly say that no matter how bad your situation, there is always someone who is suffering much worse. It is a great place to de-stress, find guidance, and make new friends.
I hope that this information is helpful. Once again, if you wish to talk or are in need of advice, feel free to contact me. I am here for you!
2 comments June 21, 2013
In the very near future I will be modeling unique clothes designed by a firm in Charlotte, NC (name to be announced later). These are not outfits which I am accustomed to wearing, but after doing a test shoot in similar clothes I can honestly say I am really excited about this new direction in fashion. You are all accustomed to seeing me in something stripperific, but these skin-tight outfits display my body in a new and exciting way. Part of the deal for modeling these outfits is that I will help advertise by wearing them to clubs and during personal shoots, so you can look forward to seeing me in them a lot!
4 comments June 21, 2013
As you know, I have been modeling and selling top-quality bikinis for a NYC designer. I informed her of the continuing mental health crisis my significant other is experiencing and she donated a portion of her products to help us raise funds to cover upcoming medical bills. This is truly a wonderful act of generosity for which I cannot thank her enough.
My friend’s bikinis are made of the best material available and would look wonderful on both female and transsexual sun worshipers. The designs are truly unique and highly eye-catching, which makes them perfect for bikini shows. The stitching and type/thickness of the cloth (85% nylon and 15% spandex with a lining of polyamide) will out-last the competition by a long shot. In other words, these are great products for which I am proud to model.
I welcome you to inquire about any of the styles I have on-hand. Photos of the bikinis can be sent to you via email, but it might be better if you drop by to examine them and try them on as the sizes tend to run smaller than most domestic brands. In light of this, I will host bikini gatherings at my home by appointment (for women and tv/ts – accompanying men are welcome). Serious inquiries may contact me at: firstname.lastname@example.org. The price per bikini is either $40 or $60 (a few were worn for a couple of minutes at a runway show so I consider them “used” in condition, hence the price difference).
Your purchase will help me raise money for my significant other’s psychiatric expenses, for which I thank you in advance. Additionally, I will donate a portion of the proceeds to NAMI – the National Association for Mental Illness – which has been an enormous help.
4 comments June 11, 2013
We all have that special little something which our partner can do to drive us crazy in bed – quirky things which many of us refuse to reveal for one reason or another. Don’t be afraid to let your secret out, people! Tell your significant other what will drive you wild – you deserve to feel awesome. My kink happens to be my knees (which is a huge reason why I have the nickname, “Sexy Knees”). If someone sucks and bites on them – just below the kneecap – in just the right way it can bring me to orgasm. Neat, eh? I might have sexy knees, but that’s not why I am showing them off all the time (take the hint!). Say “goodbye” to your inhibitions and let your freak flag fly – join me in telling the world your special little secret so the right partner can find you and rocket your sex life to the stars!
2 comments June 10, 2013
Outside the parameters of my usual hedonistic activities I have witnessed some awesome impromptu sexual encounters involving ordinary people. On one occasion I was returning to my car from a club and saw a girl riding a guy inside his tiny Honda Civic (they must have been small people). More recently I saw a woman’s face pressed against the passenger window of a minivan while she was getting pumped from behind – this was in the middle of the day in a Target parking lot. Most memorable was when I was admiring the sheer glass wall of a local skyscraper and saw a naked woman having what seemed to be some fantastic sex in the confines of someone’s office.
I am totally in favor of people having sex whenever and wherever they wish as long as they do so away from the eyes of children. So yes, if you are compelled to lift up your skirt and have the janitor pound you from behind while you are pressed against the window of the 30th floor of an office building, just do it. And, as bad as it may sound, playgrounds can be really kinky long after children have gone to bed. Swings, slides, and spring rides can be fun in more ways than one! Public restrooms with baby changing tables are fantastic places to have a quickie, and handicapped stalls have a lot of bars for spur-of-the-moment bondage if you are brave enough.
There are other, more involved, sexual adventures you can try, by the way. Quickies are great, but what if you want to keep it going? I know of one super-attractive blonde girl whose husband got her a job at a friend’s business. She was hired as his personal secretary, but her real job was to service him any time he was in the mood. She would come home after orally satisfying him all day and she and her husband would immediately have amazing sex. This may not be for everyone, but you can always go through the motions and pretend that it happened. Sometimes the fantasy is better.
I’m giving you some ideas but once again I ask that you protect children from things they should not see. Also, keep things clean – it’s the polite thing to do. Finally, keep your eyes open!!! You don’t want cameras recording your kinky activity if you want to protect your identity, and you certainly do not want to have the cops pull up while you are in mid-orgasm. The idea is to have fun – not to get caught (unless that’s your thing). So do your research – it may take away from the spontaneity but will keep you out of jail.
I know that what I have mentioned in this post is pretty tame compared to things many of you have done and/or witnessed. Without breaching the PG barrier, I’d love to hear your tales so please tell me all about them!!!
2 comments June 9, 2013
I don’t know is there is a definitively right or wrong way to live, but I have filled each day of my existence doing what I love – that which makes me happy – combined equally with helping others and making the world a better place for all. I’d say that if there is a right way to live, I have come pretty darn close.
Now here’s my quandary: I am totally fine with the way I live because I thoroughly believe I am on the right path, and when my time comes I will rest well knowing that I did the best I could with the life I was given. What if I were a serial killer and was just as convinced I was on the right path? Would I wind up in heaven just because I believed…truly believed…in my actions?
What happens to those souls whose final electrical exchanges between synapses in their dying brain are happy recollections of deeds which the vast majority of us would consider vile? Personally, I don’t think that Saint Peter actually sits at a desk before the pearly gates of heaven and judges all whom approach. I believe that we judge ourselves as we are our own toughest critic. Saint Peter may very well be the one who opens the gates, but I thoroughly expect to see me sitting patiently at his desk holding a list of all the things I did right weighed against one of all which I did wrong and armed with one simple question, “Do you truly believe you belong here?” I would watch my life flash before my eyes and I would sentence myself – no one else need participate and no words need be spoken.
Ever since I was 3 I have believed that I have lived on this planet for a very, very, very long time – partially by choice and the rest by sentence. If I did horrible things in a previous life I would lunge at the opportunity to make things right. In fact, I believe that we have the ability to live the same life over and over until we get it right – at which point we may chose to stay in heaven or return to earth to live an entirely new existence. Of course this is all speculation, but it is what I believe.
I open the floor to anyone who wishes to add his or her thoughts. I know that this is a sensitive subject, so please be respectful of other people’s opinions. I look forward to hearing from you!
6 comments June 7, 2013
The above photo was taken a few months ago and is definitely a more domestic look for me. I’ll be modeling some new clothes this summer from various designers and hope you like them all!
6 comments May 30, 2013
I wish to express my deepest sympathies to the people of Oklahoma City and Moore who suffered an EF5 tornado which devastated their cities on May 20th. I know I am a bit late on this dedication, but please know that my heart is with you.
2 comments May 30, 2013
I have always believed that life exists elsewhere in the universe. In my opinion, we are far from being alone. That being said, I have never given much credence to the tales of individuals who claim to have been abducted by aliens. Why? Mainly because those stories upon which the media focuses seem a little too contrived.
Recently, I have begun studying alien abduction and the further I get from televised tales the more credible the claims. There are thousands of reports, all of which share very similar events, and many of which have claimants who refuse to identify themselves to avoid ridicule. There are plenty more which involve highly reputable people who have nothing to gain from broadcasting their experience. I ask myself, if these individuals have something to lose by sharing their stories, why take the risk?
My conclusion is that there are a small percentage of abduction claims which are 100% true. If so, what are the goals of these non-terrestrial beings? I believe the obvious answer is that we are being studied, just as we study primates and other forms of life on this planet. From what I have read, this is nothing new – abductions have been going on for thousands of years. That’s a lot of butt probing! You’d think they’d have had enough of that by now, eh? Well, what happens after they get their fill of anal excavations? What is the next step?
I’m a little concerned that we may be the target of a soft invasion. Earth is a planet overflowing with natural resources which would be useful to any alien race, so why wouldn’t they want to have access to our riches? Perhaps our environment is a little too hostile for direct occupation, so a human/alien hybrid is necessary. I know – this sounds a little bit like an X-Files plot, but it makes sense. I’ve been reading a lot about the recent appearance of weird and terrifying individuals with black eyes, whom are aptly called, “Black-Eyed People.” Since the typical description of aliens, or “Greys,” include black eyes and a lack of emotion, these “black-eyed people” seem to fit the human/alien hybrid bill. More can be read about these mysterious people at the following sites:
I admit that I am jumping to conclusions and that there are absolutely no credible accounts of encounters with these “black-eyed people,” so don’t pay a lot of attention to my theory. That being said, I very much welcome any thoughts and/or experiences you wish to share. I’d like to know more about both alien abduction as well as these “black-eyed people,” so please tell me anything and everything no matter how insignificant!
Add a comment May 29, 2013
I wish to express my deepest thanks and gratitude to all of our men and women whom have fought and died to preserve freedom and democracy in the world. Without their sacrifice our lives would be significantly darker. Thank you all for what you have given to protect the people!
The above photo was taken very recently. I was coming down with something and was not at my best. Nevertheless, I felt it important to dedicate this image to our men and women of the armed services!
Add a comment May 29, 2013
My love and prayers to the people of West, Texas. Your tragedy may seem to be overshadowed by the events in Boston, but I think I speak for the people of America that your loss is just as painful and that we mourn the loss of your loved ones. We are here for you!
The people of Boston came under a horrible act of terrorism this afternoon leaving – at the time of this post – 3 dead and 141 wounded. My love goes to the victims and their loved ones. We – the people of America – are with you.
The United States of America is the greatest and most powerful country on the face of the earth – we have no rivals. We’ve earned this position through hard work and following a more-or-less righteous path, and ascended from a confederation of British colonies to being the leader of the free world in less than 170 years. We survived the harshest challenge any country could face when brother fought against brother for four bloody years – our union has proven its right to exist. We faced ultimate evil during the Second World War and emerged victorious, saving the lives of millions. We are a good people with generosity in our hearts – if there is a crisis America is always there to provide aid to those in need. Militarily, no one can challenge the US and expect to win (except the Vietnamese to whom I tip my hat - we are not sore losers). Economically…well, we could be doing better, but we still have more excess than any other and no one need starve in our nation. So, I ask myself, why are we allowing Congress to reduce our wonderful, beautiful country to the level of being the world’s clown?
The recent battle over the budget is nothing new. I am not knowledgeable enough of the topic to speak intelligently about the details, but do know that Congress as a whole is acting in a manner unbecoming of the leaders of the free world. Yes, speak your mind and protect your constituents, but for goodness sake please preserve our position and protect our image. You are making us look weak and vulnerable, and with countries such as China and India looming menacingly as economic rivals, and Iran and North Korea waving sticks big enough to hurt poking around our back yard, now is not the time to have a divided house. Additionally, the current sequester cuts are affecting lives in a very permanent way. Due to a lack of medicare funds, cancer patients are being turned away for treatment – their blood is 100% on your hands, Congressmen. For shame. Think about what you are doing to your people and our country. Enough bluster and do your job.
I pray that you have a wonderful Easter, and that you continue to get well. I want you and your family to enjoy many, many more holidays together, so please stay well and keep up the good work. I believe in you and know that you will have a long and beautiful life. Happy Easter, Bobby!!!
As most of you know, I have been mentioning for quite some time that I have been dealing with an illness in the family. My long delays in responding to messages, lack of new photos, and relative inactivity on my blog are all side effects due to the illness to which I refer. It is time I elaborate – you are my fans and you deserve to know.
For the past three years my significant other has slipped into a very serious state of mental illness – most likely paranoid schizophrenia and/or bipolar. Though very treatable, unless the individual is willing to seek help the disorder will continue to progress until the person you once knew is just as gone as though he/she had passed away. At this point, my loved one no longer recognizes me or her family, and each day is a struggle to simply get the most basic of tasks accomplished.
I know that I am not alone. There are so many people close to me – including family members – who suffer from mental illness, either personally or via a loved one. For those of you who are in my shoes, you know that it is just as hard for the caretaker as it is for the one for whom you care. As for me, I spend a lot of time crying quietly when no one is watching.
Though things have changed considerably since I was a child, there still lingers a negative image of those who have a mental disorder. Please remember that mental illness is just like any other disease – it is not the fault of the person who bears it. They are no different than you or I and most often live very productive and normal lives. And again, it is very treatable.
If you have a mental disorder or have a loved one who suffers from one, I welcome you to talk with me. I understand what you are going through and I deeply sympathize. Also be aware that there are support groups for both sides which are highly informative, very helpful, and free. For instance, there is the National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI), which has been a life-saver for me in the past few months.
As always, I am here for you. I do sincerely apologize for not being as present over the past 3 years, but I keep hoping that when my significant other finally accepts help I will be able to get back to my show, my photos, my blog, and my fans – you deserve it! And thank you all for understanding.
I have a lot of fond memories of putting myself out there for the sole purpose of having fun with strangers. It was exhilarating never knowing who I would meet next or what new and exciting adventures I would explore. And then there was the mind-blowing sex – every position you could imagine, bodily fluids flowing everywhere, picking up new techniques from exotic corners of the world, orgasms of every sort, etc. I was lucky being able to thoroughly expand both my male and female sexual boundaries concurrently, while at the same time keeping my mind open to help me grow as an individual. The learning was just as important as the doing.
One of the most important lessons I learned as an escort is that, by and large, people are kind, caring, and giving. It was not uncommon for people to bring me food, flowers, or random cards just to let me know that they were thinking of me. If I needed anything I knew I could count on them. Though the boundaries were clear (mainly no relationships, which everyone accepted without complaint), I never saw anyone whom I would not keep as a friend, and those friendships have been maintained to this day. Basically, we were all helping each other explore – it was a shared experience rather than a business endeavor. And these were not creepy people – most were solid professionals with great minds (I loved the intellectuals and would spend hours just talking with them), though some were deliciously depraved. I could afford to be picky, and am glad that I was.
As for the sex, it was all good…even the bad ones. And size does not matter as long as you really enjoy and trust the person you are seeing. Some of the most fun I had was with less endowed clients (it helped, however, that they knew how to make the most out of what they had, though!). And my female clients were always beautiful, loving, and wonderfully adventurous – there was practically nothing they would not try. I enjoyed every engagement as it was always new and different, even if we had done the same thing a hundred times. I was with friends, and that made all the difference.
For all the good, there were some bad experiences as well. There the sloppy clients who left my number for angry wives to find. On several occasions, people stole money or property. Others would drop by unannounced while family was visiting. Some would “forget” to bring their required tributes. One threatened to murder me (on the phone before we met), and another wanted to hang me until I was dead as part of his domination fantasy. All of these people were ones with whom I did not spend enough time getting to know ahead of time, so they slipped through my thorough selection process.
My advice to those of you who wish to engage in escorting is to find a safer profession. I know plenty of former call girls who make a far better living engaging in legal endeavors. Escort only as a last resort. Yes, the money is good, but there are so many dangers. If you are dead-set on the idea, just make sure to remember the following:
1) ALWAYS spend plenty of time emailing your potential client. Use a public computer if possible. Make them pass a series of tests before giving out your phone number.
2) ALWAYS use a phone which is not registered in your name. Don’t make it easy to track you down.
3) ALWAYS spend plenty of time talking with your potential client before agreeing to meet. If anything…anything at all…feels fishy, DO NOT ENGAGE.
4) As best as possible, use a hotel room and register using a different name. Pay with cash. Only meet at home people whom you have known for a while…if ever.
5) ALWAYS make sure that you are not followed, or that people are not sitting in their cars watching you as you come and go from the hotel, home, etc.
6) NEVER use drugs during your appointments. Keep your mind clear.
7) ALWAYS make sure you use a condom.
8) ALWAYS get your tribute in advance.
9) ALWAYS trust your intuition – if it doesn’t feel right, then something is wrong.
Please feel free to ask me for advice if you want to get out of the escorting business. I am here to help. However, if you are just starting out and want to stay safe, I will protect you as best I can. Though I am terrible at responding to comments, I promise that I always read them and will answer quickly if you need my assistance!